Celebrity schmebrity! Forget Gareth Gates: It's all happening next door says OutUK's
Adrian Gillan, out for a neighbourly knock. Our essential guide to the boy next door!
Celebrities have always left me cold. I've just never been one to pin them up and
get all sticky. Their remote, self-adulating, fabricated and overpaid egos leave me
quite limp. Incidentally, the same goes for strangely anonymous models called Hugo
or Lucas with their equally sexless chiselled pouts all smeared with creams.
No. Give me the boy next door any day. I'll take him where he is as he's rushing
out the front or in the street or on the tube. I make a fanfare for this common
young man with cute scally looks and his blank cheeky-yet-moody face, still sweetly
struggling with the first blooms of youth. Laugh and I laugh with you son; sulk and
I'll soothe you honey.
Everone's favourite boys-next-door Ant & Dec back on ITV1 on Saturday nights.
New stirrings explored behind closed doors, he sallies out onto neighbouring streets
by force of nature like some puppy tripping over his budding dick. And strangely
accessible, malleable whilst treading paths untried, wholesome with a twinkle that entices.
high-street labels - nothing fancy - baseball cap and jeans or trackies: he's ten a
penny and I'm in for a pound.
It's precisely the lack of model looks, exclusive labels and poncy airs that make
our ordinary, regular hero the raunch he is - nothing to distract from basic beauty
and raw appeal. Why strike a pose when such a natural?
And the clincher for the case is this and proof indeed of where the real horn lies:
celebrities have - in recent years, and responding to that small familiar screen
in every corner - fought to eschew their glamorous ways and mimic the guy across the way.
From Blue to soppy Ozzy soaps; from squeaky Joe Cole or Michael Owen to kids' TV
poppets - we more and more witness our everyday eye-candy emulated up on the
screen - as best of mates. Why, even our own young Princes are at it, working the
media like a pair of People's pals! And of course everyone's favourite celebrity
boys-next-door, and best mates, Ant & Dec.
But don't be fooled or lulled: it's all just as fake now as ever. You're better
off by far going straight for the original - your very own homely star over the
road. Ah yes: the proverbial, fetishised and freshly Phallic Boy Next Door, so near
and yet so far - ironically elevated to the mythical and untouchable, yet still
made flesh in all his glorious forms but an arm's length away.
So shut your mag and tear that poster down. Turn off the telly and open your eyes
to what's on your own doorstep.
1. He's probably straight but may just stray.
2. Check his age to keep things legal.
3. He may prefer bikes and footie to boys and girls.
4. Don't rush in and look like a fool.
5. Be sensitive to his ma and pa.
6. Know how to take 'no' for an answer.
7. His sweetest smile may say 'fuck off'.
8. You may have to settle for 'look but not touch'.
9. Better to be friends than scare him away.
10.Don't worry: there's another lad over the road.