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OutUK's Adrian Gillan reveals our exclusive look at the gayest cars on the road, whether you
like to be Smart about town, you're a new Mini kind of guy, or your wheels are a Queer As
Folk Jeep. And as revealed in The Sunday Times and on Top Gear on BBC 2, you don't have to be gay
to drive these motors...even Jeremy Clarkson's wheels are in the Top 10 at No 4.
Cars might not seem the queerest things, know what I mean mate? A scratch and a sniff. It's more firm pecs than tech specs for most gay guys who'll scarce know a grunt from a purr beneath their bonnet. | |
| Let's face it: some gay men will do almost anything to avoid getting behind a wheel. It's cabs, cabs, cabs with us boys, and sod the expense. We'd sooner take a taxi to the "offie" than walk to the corner. Or for birthdays and treats, we might upgrade to the cool limo or brash Roller of our dreams, with chauffeur in shades. Alternatively, but in equally trenchant vein, some of us turn militant urban warriors bussing it or getting on our bikes. | 
The best thing about the Smart is probably the price. From £6,565 to over £15k on the road - in a variety of styles from the basic beauty to the sporty and darned cruisy - it's pure urban chic and ever so gay. |
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That said, many need a bit more hands on - right in the driving seat. You know,
foot down eyes front stuff, tearing about town or down to Brighton, but without
writhing around in oil letting your spanner loose: car as lifestyle statement,
car as basic fashion accessory. From rugged Queer as Folk Jeeps - a bovver boot
on wheels, a kind of kitsch urban tank - to summertime open-air cruisers like MG,
BMW or Porsche convertibles or classic American retro Chevies with COX 1 plates.
Of course that's the gay theory. In practice most of us just have our anonymous little T-reg Fiestas or Polos. It's a hoot to see uniform guys mincing out of a club all be-leathered and sibilant, rounding the corner to open the door, not of a decommissioned and repossessed armoured carrier, but of an X-reg Seat, and straight back for a nice suburban cuppa. |
1. Smart 2. Jeep Wrangler 3. Pink Rolls-Royce 4. Mercedes SL55 AMG 5. New Mini 6. BMW Z8 7. Porsche convertible 8. Classic Chevy 9. New Skoda 10.New Beetle 
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But the gayest vehicle on the road right now is without doubt the Smart. The ultimate
driving accessory - it's so small you just can't miss it! Heads turn as you dart your
Smart in and out of traffic, leaving lorries standing and parking in places you've
frankly no right.
Perfectly evolved to suit queer needs - gay man and machine in perfect harmony - it's striking and in your face, challenging notions of both masculinity and what a car should be, as it effortlessly out-manoeuvres many a high tonnage of characterless junk out on the road. A right little gay David versus the straight auto Goliaths! It's a moving sight, a boy in a Smart - such a public display of Fagdom. You don't know whether to laugh or cheer as you shamelessly shop and strum about town, folded up neatly in your little shopping-basket-turned-boy-babe-bucket. So practical, yet so conspicuous! You can almost hear White Van Man drivers seethe, "Get off the f**king road you little gay f**k - call that a car?" as you cut them up and leave them stranded; all but sense the gay boys cheer, "We'll done mate - just you show 'em!" as you spin about Soho; well nigh bask in gasps of glory filling up your huge bootage with bags of boutique booty, open and shut the auto-roof rain or shine, and thumb your nose at the straight-laced cumbersome, faceless juggernauts that pass for cars as you nip down the gym. And what a bonus: just two pedals - fast and slow - so it's evens you'll push the right one at the right time. And if you can't handle handles or clock knobs and gears, just switch effortlessly into full autopilot, turn your brain off and - like some surreal dodgem - loose all sense of contact with the road. General tech specs, in case your father or brother-in-law should ask? Try out some of these: eco-chic two-seater city car from DaimlerChrysler; in a range of styles and specs; options include double-ellipse headlights and steering column 'paddle' gear shift; 7.7 gallon tank for 400 miles plus range; low CO2 emissions and recyclable parts; full "crash management system" and 0-62.5 mph in under 19s, with 85mph tops. A grunt and a sniff - then ask if he'll race you round the block. Mate. |
| The new Smart Roadster has also just been voted Gay Car Of 2003 by the French Club Auto Rainbow. So how do Smart, which is a unit of the giant Daimler Chrysler Corporation react to all this gay attention? "It's quite flattering," Sam Bridger Head of Marketing at SmartUK told The Sunday Times who reported the OutUK survey. "Gays have an eye for design. But this is not a cynical attempt to tap into the pink pound." |
For further information on all things Smart, visit www.thesmart.co.uk. |