| Imagine Graham Norton and Julian Clary took over from Alan Titchmarsh and Carol Smilie presenting a tv makeover show and you've got a pretty good idea what this year's biggest tv hit in America is like. Queer Eye For The Straight Guy was first seen on the US version of Bravo, but achieved such incredible audience figures that it's being repeated on the mainstream NBC network. And now it's been bought for showing in the UK on the LivingTV and FTN cable and satellite channels. | |
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Following the crossover success of US Queer As Folk, now in it's third series of 20 episodes,
gay themes are currently the biggest thing on American tv. There's a gay dating show called Boy Meets Boy,
and a lesbian soap opera The L Word all currently on air.
While we don't want to moan with all this gay tv in the mainstream, is it really a breakthrough, or do shows like Queer Eye merely repackage the gay stereotypes personified in the past by performers like Kenneth Williams and John Inman? For OutUK Patrick Palmer has been checking out Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. |
 Gay makeover team Kyan Douglas, Ted Allen, Carson Kressley, Jai Rodriguez and Thom Filicia with a breeder boy victim. |
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The show features five professional homosexuals who, in the course of an hour,
perform a total lifestyle makeover on a straight man. Well, maybe “total lifestyle
makeover” is overstating it, otherwise the show would be called “K-Y For The Straight
Guy.” The Fab Five — as they are called — are specialists in interior decorating,
fashion, grooming, culinary arts and culture, and each week help transform some
hopelessly heterosexual breeder boy who’s trying to impress his girlfriend or wife that
he too can be a metrosexual — a straight with the style and flair of a gay man.
The gays descend on the victim at home like five Dorothy Parkers without the roundtable. It’s gay karma time as the fags get to gang up on the straight guy to taunt him mercilessly about his clothes, the way he carries himself, his home furnishings, his cooking, his hair; nothing is off limits. After the straight is thoroughly humbled, he’s whisked away for a day of facials, exfoliation, coiffing, tanning and shopping for new clothes and gourmet food. His home, meanwhile, gets its own design makeover. The straight guy returns to marvel at his stylish new abode, where his new gay pals will him get ready for the evening ahead. They lay out his new clothes, give him instructions on how to prepare the gourmet meal he’ll serve his significant other, and ply him with last-minute tips on social graces sure to wow his mate. The Fab Five then repair to their loft, where they watch the evening unfold on video. They revel dotingly as they watch, mother swans clucking over their ugly studling’s transformation, strutting his newfound plumage and charms. I was prepared to not like this show, because I was afraid the five would come across as stereotyped acid-tongued bitchy queens. Well, they do sometimes, but they’re spontaneously and uproariously funny and underneath all the jibes, do care that their straight charge pulls off an evening full of style and aplomb. And the straight guys are genuinely appreciative of their warmth; one of them cried when the five got ready to leave him. What worries me, though, is that the show will set the bar too high for gay guys like my boyfriend Tom and me. We’re the first to admit that our gay genes are missing the style strand. As far as we know, Barney’s of New York is owned by a purple dinosaur. The only truffles we’re familiar with are Ferrero Rocher. We buy most of our home décor when we’re out picking up lawnmower blades at the DIY superstore. I’m worried that people at work are going to start asking me questions about the tips they see on “Queer Eye,” and expect me to know the answer. I’ll be forced to pretend and embellish with tips of my own making for added effect. “Sure, Beth, you can polish silver candlesticks with toothpaste,” I’ll say. “And you can also make avant-garde abstract wall hangings out of Dairylea,” or “Yes, six ounces of fish should be cooked at 400 degrees for ten minutes… and you can baste a turkey with deodorant. It seals in juices and gives it an Xtreme sporty flavor.” It’ll be hard to stop, and I’ll start offering tips unsolicited. “Gosh, Ted, those vertical stripes are slimming. Did you know a belt fashioned out of braided colored linguini would add a real fashion flair?” will lead to “You can whip up a quick chocolate mousse when unexpected guests drop in just by stirring a half a cup of cocoa and a teaspoon of vanilla into a can of car wax.” No, if Tom and I are going to be expected to know this stuff, we need to be the subjects of a special “Queer Eye For The Bear Guys” segment. For starters, the Fab Five need to convince us to stop using power tools to clean the grout in our kitchen tiles or that being fashionable means wearing a dark Hawaiian shirt after five. I also worry that as imitative as television is, that gaysploitation is just around the corner. Pretty soon we’ll see shows like “Gays Of Our Lives,” “Queer Factor” and “The Queen Of Queens.” You won’t be able to channel surf without going past a lesbian car repair show or “Everybody Loves Gayman.” Eventually things will come full circle and there’ll be “Straight Eye For The Queer Guy,” during which five heteros will descend upon a stylish but hapless gay guy and teach him how not to titter when football commentators use terms like “tight end”, "great ball control" and “Smith’s got excellent penetration.” They’ll teach their gay charge the best places around the house to drop socks and underwear, why leaving the seat up saves energy, how to use the sniff test to tell if a shirt is still wearable, and most importantly, which jewellery is likely to result in oral sex. | |