OutUK - Sex Talk : Speaking Of Sharing Fantasies

SPEAKING OF SHARING FANTASIES

It's happened--you've finally met the man of your dreams. He's everything you ever hoped for. Just one problem; how are you going to tell him that your fondest, deepest wish is to dress like a French maid and lick his hairy ankles? Ah, yes, sexual fantasies are funny things, both "funny ha-ha" and "funny peculiar." How can we find ways to realize those fantasies with a real, live man?

For some men, the hard-core fetishists and those heavily into kink, playing out the fantasy can be all-important. One man recalls "I met this incredibly attractive hunk at a bar, and he agreed to take me home, but only on the condition that I'd tie him up while he was wearing his Arsenal kit. Otherwise, no go. I wasn't at all interested in bondage, or sports kit for that matter, but he was sooo sexy that I finally agreed." For those with such strict erotic preconditions, classified ads, online chat rooms, fetish club nights and specialized play parties are good ways to meet compatible souls.

Photo: Courtesy of Scarred Rubber

But what about the less specialized among us, those of us with relationships (or hey, shags) not fundamentally based on any particular shared fantasy trip? How to tell Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now) that you've got a hankering to play coach and athlete, or have sex in the kitchen wearing chef's hats, or to get fucked while watching Gone With The Wind?

Well first, let's concede that it may be better that some desires remain in the realm of fantasy; the baroque scenario you've been jerking off to for years may feel entirely different, and maybe a lot less fun, if you actually act it out.

But deciding to take the plunge can not only turn out to be rewarding, dirty fun, but can increase intimacy, as well. Sharing your innermost desires with your boyfriend can bring the two of you closer together, and give him permission to share his long-cherished kinks with you in turn. But keep your expectations modest; he may find your fantasies hot, or he may find them hysterically odd. And if your desires edge toward the edgy, easing into your confessions will enable you to back off before you scare him off.

And then there's that moment when he tells you what's always turned him on. It goes without saying that, though you may feel scorn, disgust, or utter amazement, you'll maintain a look of sympathetic enthusiasm, or at least tolerance. And if you're lucky, you'll find yourself getting a hard-on, eager to hear more.

After you've shared your fantasies, whether with shag or domestic partner, the two of you might well decide to give it a whirl. (Assuming it's do-able, that is; weightlessly fucking with Mr. Spock isn't likely.) It's time to talk it out, negotiating limits, maybe sketching out a scenario, perhaps gathering costumes. Keep the lines of communication open. The old-fashioned virtues--open-mindedness, imagination, and a sense of fun--are at least as important as maintaining hard-ons.

There's nothing wrong with indulging a sex partner's kinks, of course. (Though, for heaven's sake, don't act like you're doing him a big favour.) But mismatched enthusiasms need not be acted out. Just sharing them, even talking about them during sex, can be hot in itself. And if your partner just doesn't even want to hear about them? Well, that's what your brain is for. As your partner pounds away, just close your eyes and imagine it's Mr. Spock inside you.

Simon Sheppard

San Francisco artist and activist Simon Sheppard is best known for his contributions to the erotic literary scene. He wrote hundreds of stories that appeared in S/M magazines; erotic anthologies; and over twenty editions of Best Gay Erotica and Best American Erotica. His Sextalk column has appeared on OutUK for more than 20 years. You can find out more about Simon Sheppard in this OutUK feature and tribute, or take a look at some of his many books that are still available:

Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called Hotter Than Hell.
In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines.