SPEAKING OF FOREPLAY

Since men and women have different patterns of sexual arousal, foreplay has been used to get the woman involved, ready, wet, and panting for "The Real Thing." Vaginal intercourse has always been viewed as the ultimate aim of straight sex, everything else demoted to "foreplay," "second-best," or even "perversion."

Indeed, many hot scenes may downplay or even eliminate penetration of any kind. A lot of SM is like that; plenty of leathersex players would rather not include "regular sex" in a scene. A hot night of flogging or tit-play may not include hard-ons, much less orgasms, and yet be eminently satisfactory to all concerned.

And what about the less kinky guys among us? Well, one vanilla-ish friend told me about a recent evening when the sucking and fucking came early on, to be climaxed by a long hour or two of jacking off - not even mutual masturbation - accompanied by detailed verbal fantasies. By the usual standards, this scene - starting rather than ending with penetration - went backwards, but the big smile on my friend's face told a tale of satisfaction.

Nobody's keeping score. There won't be a final exam. If your idea of sexual bliss is watching porn with a buddy while you stroke each other's shafts, find a friend and go do it. Though oral and anal sex do have pleasures and intensities all their own, so does having somebody lick your ear. And whatever gets you off, even if you don't come, is real sex, not "just foreplay."

Here's where communication skills and an open mind can come in real handy. Why assume that a particular guy will or won't be into certain things? Talk about it - before, during, and even after. If your partner suggests trying stuff you've never even thought of, you might want to try it. Even if shoving your socks in a guy's mouth seems weird at first, why not see what pleasure you can derive from it? And watch how you're getting him off - doesn't that make your dick hard?

In the early days of the HIV epidemic, AIDS educators sometimes put forth the message that all sorts of safer activities, such as full body massage, could be fun too, but if you were going to have "real sex," you'd better use a condom. While their aim was honourable, the message somehow made everything but fucking seem second-rate. But even before the epidemic, plenty of queer guys had anal sex rarely or never; as long as that decision didn't feel weird to them, then it wasn't a compromise. It was real sex. And it still is.

Simon Sheppard

San Francisco artist and activist Simon Sheppard is best known for his contributions to the erotic literary scene. He wrote hundreds of stories that appeared in S/M magazines; erotic anthologies; and over twenty editions of Best Gay Erotica and Best American Erotica. His Sextalk column has appeared on OutUK for more than 20 years. You can find out more about Simon Sheppard in this OutUK feature and tribute, or take a look at some of his many books that are still available:

       

Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called Hotter Than Hell.

In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines.