OutUK - Sex Talk : Speaking Of Intimacy

SPEAKING OF INTIMACY

Ever have the experience of fucking away with Mr. Right Now for hours, only to feel utterly isolated once the clothes go back on? Ever have sex for a few minutes, only to find yourself falling in love?

Recently, a letter to the editor appeared in a gay magazine, linking many of the ills of the gay men's community--including the rise in new HIV infections-- with "a pervasive lack of intimacy," which the writer blamed on many queers' fondness for "casual sex" and "pornography."

Now, love is a fine thing, the best thing, and the intimacy of love is, well, lovely. But casual sex can be fine, too, and even pornography has its place, or so many of us gay guys believe; are we just deluding ourselves?

Let's assume for the moment that a good working definition of "intimacy" is "shared emotional honesty." Clearly, many long-term relationships are pretty short on that commodity; even the most long-running marriage can lack true emotional closeness. So it's not much of a stretch to envision that many short-term relationships, even very short-term ones, can be, in one way or another, "intimate."

Sure, some of us seem built for satisfied monogamy. "I never knew what real was," says one friend of mine, "till I gave up whoring around and devoted myself to just one man." But how about the rest of us, those of us who don't want, or can't for the moment find, a Real Boyfriend? Is having casual sex or jerking off to a porn mag truly keeping us from finding the bluebird of happiness?

Why not be honest about ourselves and our needs? Let's let our bodies, as well as our brains, do the talking. If there's magic in the sack, even if just for a few minutes, though you'll never meet again, why deny that the magic is real? Being conscious of your partner, letting your needs meet and mingle...how bad could that be? And if you're having sex out of curiosity, or just to scratch an itch, understand and accept it; things won't feel like a "failure" if boyfriendhood fails to follow.

Appreciating your partner for what and who he is will make things more honest. If you truly feel affection for a shag, take things one step at a time. Blurting out "I love you" can destroy, rather than foster, intimacy. Better to reframe the situation. "I'm loving having sex with you" is both more honest and less off-putting. If you tell him you know it's early on but you'd maybe like to see you again and see where things lead, you're less likely to scare him off and set yourself up for disappointment. Even "I love your smile" or "I love the way your dick curves" lets Mr. Right Now know that you're trying to see him for who he is, not just fitting him into some pre-existing fantasy. If honesty does lead to intimacy, you'll be on the right track.

There's no magic answer to the old question "How can I live a rich, fulfilling life?" We queers have the freedom to reinvent the possibilities. For instance, the concept of "shag" seems so queer and, in some circumstances, so lovely and healing. Just as every sort of intimacy has its limits, so every sexual encounter can open us up to ourselves, our partner(s), and the possibilities of life. Instead of dividing ourselves into "good queers with committed relationships" and "bad queers who fuck around," we can work to make every encounter, whether for a lifetime or an hour, domestic partnerhood or a quick bit of cocksucking down by the canal, a good one.

Simon Sheppard

San Francisco artist and activist Simon Sheppard is best known for his contributions to the erotic literary scene. He wrote hundreds of stories that appeared in S/M magazines; erotic anthologies; and over twenty editions of Best Gay Erotica and Best American Erotica. His Sextalk column has appeared on OutUK for more than 20 years. You can find out more about Simon Sheppard in this OutUK feature and tribute, or take a look at some of his many books that are still available:

Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called Hotter Than Hell.
In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines.