SPEAKING OF EXPANDING LIMITS

Sure, the guy who got down the most eggs before puking might have accomplished something or other, but the ordeal neither proved his worth as a human being nor did it provide nutrition.

Still, many of us do have fuck fantasies that we haven't yet made real - stuff we'd like to try at least once, limits we'd maybe like to expand. It may be losing your anal virginity or being flogged harder than you've ever been. It might even be something as basic as having gay sex for the first time. So how to expand your limits? And, just as much to the point, should you?

It pays to think things through before rushing off to explore new territory. One question to ask is why you haven't yet done whatever-it-is. Is your reticence based on rational safety considerations, a sensible reluctance to try things that might not fit into your life? Are there genuine physical limitations to be taken into account? Or are your limits based on shame, prudery, or fear?

Although the concept of "limits" is usually applied to a bottom, tops have limitations, too. If you're going to be running a scene, have some idea of what the hell to do; learn to use handcuffs safely before you use handcuffs at all. This may, of course, seem obvious, but a hard-on and a partner's urgings can get guys into all sorts of trouble.

If you want to try taking more pain in a SM scene, make sure you and your top have a foolproof way to let him know you've had enough. Then relax, enjoy the ride, and when things start getting edgy, remember to breathe, slowly and deeply. There's a tendency to tense up and hold your breath when faced with discomfort, but you'll enjoy good discomfort more if you keep breathing and use your mind to guide you through ever-greater peaks of sensation. (And since kink play can cause not just physical ouchies, but psychological bruises, too, emotional honesty is always a plus.)

It's only polite to hold a post-game review. Thoughtful tops have even been known to check in with their bottomboys the next day, just to make sure everything went well. Sex is, after all, no excuse for bad behaviour.

Life doesn't come with an instruction manual, and no one's keeping score. One man's upper limit is another man's starting point, and as long as you do whatever it is safely, consciously, and knowledgeably, the final judge of your limits should always, firmly and unapologetically, be you.

Simon Sheppard

San Francisco artist and activist Simon Sheppard is best known for his contributions to the erotic literary scene. He wrote hundreds of stories that appeared in S/M magazines; erotic anthologies; and over twenty editions of Best Gay Erotica and Best American Erotica. His Sextalk column has appeared on OutUK for more than 20 years. You can find out more about Simon Sheppard in this OutUK feature and tribute, or take a look at some of his many books that are still available:

       

Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called Hotter Than Hell.

In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines.