SPEAKING OF OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

"It's fine with me if my partner goes out and sees another guy, or even finds a steady fuck buddy, just as long as I know his primary commitment's to me," says one man who's been with his lover nearly a decade. "I want him to be happy. It's not that I'm being noble and self-sacrificing. Honestly, it takes some of the pressure off me."

It's the absence of "cheating" that distinguishes truly open relationships: Partners are expected to be honest about who they go off with. More or less.

There are plenty of variations on the open relationship, from the marginally honest "Oh, I'm sure he knows I'm running around," to households where Tom agreeably goes out for the evening so Harry can invite someone over. Some men are more comfortable with an agreed-upon "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement, while others insist that every straying be negotiated in advance. There are twosomes that only go beyond coupledom when they invite someone over for a three-way.

While some couples decide to be open from the first, there are plenty that evolve into nonmonogamy as the men become more comfortable - or sexually bored - with one another. And for men who love each other but whose erotic predilections are mismatched, polyamory can be the ticket to fulfilling sexual adventures; not everybody likes to be spanked.

One man who just started exploring polyamory with his honey says, "We have a rule that we only see other guys once, no repeat tricking. So for now, I prefer to play with men who are in open relationships themselves. That way, there's less drama and fewer expectations all around."

Indeed, it's the precarious position of "the other man" that leads many single guys to turn down the overtures of men in all relationships, no matter how open they may be. And some fellows are just one-man men. "When I'm involved with somebody, he's all the world to me," says one of them, "and I expect the same from him."

Yes, nonmonogamy can be perilous: The intensity of good extracurricular sex can put a strain on what happens back home. There's also the danger, of course, of bringing home an STD or two; caution is never out of place. Still, as the fellow in the decade-long open relationship says, "I love my partner, but I don't want to own him. Maybe I'm being overconfident, but I feel that if my boyfriend leaves me, it's because he's unhappy with me, not because he's happier with someone else."

To those of us struggling to simply find a date we'll want to talk to in the morning, the debate over open relationships can seem like a luxury, but it deals with the basics of emotional life. Is nonmonogamy brave and generous, or greedy and unfeeling? Either way, for each couple that's successfully doing the my-one-and-only thing, there's at least one other operating under the assumption that boys will be (and do) boys. So be honest - and careful - out there.

Simon Sheppard

San Francisco artist and activist Simon Sheppard is best known for his contributions to the erotic literary scene. He wrote hundreds of stories that appeared in S/M magazines; erotic anthologies; and over twenty editions of Best Gay Erotica and Best American Erotica. His Sextalk column has appeared on OutUK for more than 20 years. You can find out more about Simon Sheppard in this OutUK feature and tribute, or take a look at some of his many books that are still available:

       

Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called Hotter Than Hell.

In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines.