But, as Mr. Top puts it, "I really think more men
want to
be told what to do than to do the telling. When it comes to sex, lots
of
people just want to give up control for a while."
Since we're talking about adult consensual sex play, the submission of
one
man to another is pretty much a matter of "let's pretend"; when a top
goes
beyond what a bottom is prepared to do, it all comes to an end, or at
least
takes a detour. When a bottom says, "I'll do anything you tell me to,"
he
usually means, "I'll do whatever you tell me to do as long as I'm
willing to
do it."
Does that mean that obedience scenes are a meaningless sham? Not at
all.
Obedience scenes provide very real dick-hardening thrills. Everybody
is, in
some way or other, ambivalent about their sexual desires, and queer
men,
dealing with the crap society has laid on us, are more so. A
well-performed
obedience scene gives the bottom an opportunity to surrender control -
in a
safe and supportive context - and do whatever the hell he really
wants to
do. Though it may seem to be about submission, it's also about
permission.
And since dominance/submission play calls up very real aspects of the
players' personalities, the line between role-playing and reality often
becomes a bit blurred.
The same script may not work for everyone. Telling a bottom to strip
down,
bend over, and show off his hole may thrillingly test one guy's limits
of
shamelessness, while another may do it without giving it a second
thought.
One top may love bottom guys who obey eagerly and without question,
while
another may crave bottoms who express ambivalence, only obeying his
commands
after an at-least-plausible show of reluctance.
There are also "resistance scenes," in which a bottom pretends to be a
disobedient brat, behaviour that calls for discipline or a show of
toppish
strength. While this is catnip for some dominants, others find it
tiresomely
annoying. Good bottoms may try out saying "No," but they’ll continue in
their
wayward ways only after they can see from their "master's" responses
that
it's okay with Mr. Sir. These scenes are, after all, supposed to be
about
giving a top what he wants.
The best tops know, from instinct and experience, how to lead a bottom
onward, step by step, command by firm, detailed command, taking him to
his
limits and maybe just a step beyond. Says Mr. Top, "The dominant sets
up the
situation and directs it to its climax. He just has to make sure the
other
guy is willing and able to play his part."
Good bottoms do more than just go through the motions; they take a leap
of
faith. It can be a real challenge to trust a top - especially one
you've just
met - to turn you into a naked, emotionally vulnerable animal under his
control.
The best obedience play is a lust-filled, intricate test of wills.
Giving and
following orders can be a sudden improvisation in an otherwise vanilla
fuck,
like the cliched porn-video command "Suck that cock!" Or it can be the
meat
of a prenegotiated, hours-long scene. But any way you play it, the
following
orders game can be a pathway to pleasure. Yes, Sir, it can.
Simon Sheppard
Now here's your chance to meet the man behind this column. OutUK has an interview with Simon Sheppard or you can take a look at some of his books that are currently available:
Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also
co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and
Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called
Hotter Than Hell.
In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There
are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines.
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