|But, as Mr. Top puts it, "I really think more men
be told what to do than to do the telling. When it comes to sex, lots
people just want to give up control for a while."
Since we're talking about adult consensual sex play, the submission of
man to another is pretty much a matter of "let's pretend"; when a top
beyond what a bottom is prepared to do, it all comes to an end, or at
takes a detour. When a bottom says, "I'll do anything you tell me to,"
usually means, "I'll do whatever you tell me to do as long as I'm
Does that mean that obedience scenes are a meaningless sham? Not at
Obedience scenes provide very real dick-hardening thrills. Everybody
some way or other, ambivalent about their sexual desires, and queer
dealing with the crap society has laid on us, are more so. A
obedience scene gives the bottom an opportunity to surrender control -
safe and supportive context - and do whatever the hell he really
do. Though it may seem to be about submission, it's also about
And since dominance/submission play calls up very real aspects of the
players' personalities, the line between role-playing and reality often
becomes a bit blurred.
The same script may not work for everyone. Telling a bottom to strip
bend over, and show off his hole may thrillingly test one guy's limits
shamelessness, while another may do it without giving it a second
One top may love bottom guys who obey eagerly and without question,
another may crave bottoms who express ambivalence, only obeying his
after an at-least-plausible show of reluctance.
There are also "resistance scenes," in which a bottom pretends to be a
disobedient brat, behaviour that calls for discipline or a show of
strength. While this is catnip for some dominants, others find it
annoying. Good bottoms may try out saying "No," but they’ll continue in
wayward ways only after they can see from their "master's" responses
it's okay with Mr. Sir. These scenes are, after all, supposed to be
giving a top what he wants.
The best tops know, from instinct and experience, how to lead a bottom
onward, step by step, command by firm, detailed command, taking him to
limits and maybe just a step beyond. Says Mr. Top, "The dominant sets
situation and directs it to its climax. He just has to make sure the
guy is willing and able to play his part."
Good bottoms do more than just go through the motions; they take a leap
faith. It can be a real challenge to trust a top - especially one
met - to turn you into a naked, emotionally vulnerable animal under his
The best obedience play is a lust-filled, intricate test of wills.
following orders can be a sudden improvisation in an otherwise vanilla
like the cliched porn-video command "Suck that cock!" Or it can be the
of a prenegotiated, hours-long scene. But any way you play it, the
orders game can be a pathway to pleasure. Yes, Sir, it can.
Meet the man behind this column. Click here for an interview
with Simon and news about his newest collection of gay erotic stories
Simon is the co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex,
Power (Alyson Books) available from
Amazon at £7.99. You can e-mail him here at OutUK