SPEAKING OF TALKING DIRTY

There's the usual stuff: "Man, I like your dick!" or "That feels really great. Could you do it, uh, a little harder?" But if you're going to veer into Strykeresque tough talk, why not get a wee bit more personal? "Suck that dick" sounds so abstract, like the organ in question isn't even connected to your body. Go for the literate approach: "I want to fuck your face till I shoot a big, hot load down your throat." Maybe it's not Jane Austen, but it's a lot more interesting, in a porn cliche way, than just "Suck that dick." Better yet, customize your dirty words. Talk about the guy's hair colour, his job, his flat. That is, if you've ever been in his flat.

There's also the fertile ground of role-playing fantasy. Sure, some of us actually like to dress up as a harem boy and dance around a scarf-draped apartment, but sexual fantasy can most easily, quickly, and cheaply be realized through verbal action. Even if you can't afford a pair of chaps, you can always talk like a leather top. Just invent a good script. Pleading, "I want you to bend over," won't get you as far as, "On all fours. Now!" And if you're a bottom, sprinkling your chat with "Sir's" will make the power imbalance obvious, even while you get the top to do exactly what you want him to.

It's always fun to get a bit transgressive, too. Even if you just met at a reception in the House of Commons, good dialogue and a willing partner can turn the two of you into first-cousin country boys screwing behind the barn. And for the more daring, there's all sorts of twisted stuff. An arsehole can become a "pussy," for example, though "manpussy" seems a bit too contrived, at least to me. My very butch pal Tom has confided that, in the heat of passion, he just loves to whimper, "Oh, Daddy, please fuck your little girl's pussy." Take care, though; one man's aphrodisiac is another man's turn-off. If you're trying out a line of perverse chat, start slowly and gauge your partner's response. If he joins right in, the sky's the limit.

And then there's outright verbal abuse, an art form in itself. Those of you who've never tried it have no idea how difficult it is to keep saying humiliating, insulting, demeaning things for hours on end without getting boring or repeating yourself endlessly. Just think Anne Robinson and The Weakest Link. Well-crafted verbal abuse can cut awfully close to the bone, though. Calling someone's tiny dick a "tiny dick" can be liberating and hot and nasty, or just plain insulting. When topping in a verbal abuse scene, it helps to be imaginative and aware. And if you're a v.a. bottom, give your top some clues as to how he's doing. (For example, "Oh yeah, Sir, it is a tiny dick, and it's so hard and hot for a real man like you.")

Let's face it, guys will say almost anything in the throes of passion. But watch your mouth - saying "I love you" can have all sorts of unintended consequences. And, no matter how close the moment of orgasm, calling your boyfriend by your ex's name is just plain rude.

Simon Sheppard

Now here's your chance to meet the man behind this column. OutUK has an interview with Simon Sheppard or you can take a look at some of his books that are currently available:

       

Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called Hotter Than Hell.

In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines.