This Week - Deliberately Sex +ve, Feelings and Friends

Derek asks: I'm in my late twenties and have made a firm decision to become "sex positive" and to commit myself to complete sexual freedom. I'm not sure if I'm gay, straight or bi but I've only ever had sex with men. Can I make a decision to be a gay man - or does that make me an imposter. Is it OK for me to choose only to have sex with men even if I don't come out or still fancy women.

James says: Hi Derek, I am a little confused as to your current state of mind. You say that you only have sex with men but don't know if you are gay, bi or straight. If you only have sex with men by choice, and it is what you want and enjoy, then I would tend to consider you as 'gay'.

If for some reason you are twisting round the traditional roles where you are having gay sex as it is all you are used to but you secretly fantasise about having sex with women then you may be either bi or straight! If you only have sex with gay men but you do not term yourself as gay then that is weird! And furthermore it is also strange to then feel that you would be an imposter terming yourself as gay when you only have sex with men!

If you do fancy women then why haven't you had sex with them? If you only have sex with men then why do you not think of yourself as gay or at least bi?

Think about your situation and what you really want. I think you will have problems talking about this to some other guys as very few people would be able to sympathise with you. I think most guys would just advise you to come out and start enjoying life as a gay man. As for the deliberately making yourself +ve I think that would be entirely the wrong thing to do.

Just at the moment you have a number of very confused attitudes towards your sexual identity, and before you make such a serious irreversible decision as this, you need to be sure you know what you want out of life. It is clear you do not at present. Get some advice from your doctor or a one to one session with a counsellor before you go any further.

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Martin's confused: I feel sheepish asking this but I am 28 and confused about my sexuality. I have always been fascinated with gay sex and have had one-off encounters with seven different men. I have given and received oral and anal sex. I lost my virginity at 20 and in the last 2 years have resumed my gay sex life in saunas. I have been infatuated with women, and like to masturbate over straight porn (I use it to warm up to gay fantasies) yet have never had sex with a woman. I can look at photographs of attractive women and it makes me want to have gay sex. Am I gay? I fantasise about coming out but probably won't as I see no advantage in it. I feel torn between choosing heterosexual romance and a life of promiscuous, closeted gay sex.

James replies: Hi Martin, it can be really hard to discover what you want from life and what is right for you. Many guys do find it very hard to come out as being gay and accepting this fact can cause a lot of distress.

Many young guys nowadays are lucky in the fact that they come out very early and find the whole experience much less stressful than it used to be. After all, being gay is generally much more widely accepted than it used to be. This is thanks to gays being much more represented in the media and also due to the changing laws in the UK to reduce discrimination towards gay people.

If you are gay and only want to have sex with men then coming out will change your life. You will be able to go out to gay places, have gay friends, and not have to worry that people will see you or find out and then question you about it. Coming out is not so scary as it sounds either. Most times when guys come it, it is actually accepted by the people they tell much more easily than was anticipated. A lot of people may even say they knew already and were just waiting for you to tell them!

You need to think about what you want from life and from sex. Do you really find women attractive or is this a front to try and convince yourself that you are not gay. If you only have sex with men though this would indicate where your true sexual tendencies lie otherwise you would probably be having sex with women as well. It's going to be a hard decision but think about how you really feel - what would you do if you were on a desert island and you had only a man and a woman there with you, and no one who knew you. Would you go and have sex with the man or the woman?

Try not to stress over this so much, and enjoy your life more, the way you want it to be. Other people should control their lives and not yours, so why worry what they think. The people who truly care for you will be supportive no matter what happens, and those that do not will soon get replaced by others who do.

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Zakky worried 'bout his mate: I've just recently started having gay sex with my best mate, and the day after he got up and walked away. Now every time I try to talk to him he always wants sex, but he swears blind that he is straight. I just wanna be with him, would should I do?

James answers: Well I guess you need to think about what you want from your relationship with him! You say that before you were best friends and now he only wants sex from you even though he is straight!

Well you should consider whether you want him back as the friend he was, or whether you want a full on sexual relationship with him. Then of course there is the problem that he is telling you that he is straight (and if he has gay sex then obviously he is not - he is either gay or at most bi) which will mean he will have a lot of issues with having a gay relationship with you.

I am not saying that it is not possible but it will be hard work for you as he will have a lot of issues to deal with first in order to go out with you as a boyfriend. Try and talk with him, in an entirely unconfrontational way. Find out what is going on and what he wants, and sit down and work out what you want as well. It is never easy dealing with coming out and often worse helping others. I think maybe he does really want you but just finds it hard at the moment to accept that he is gay and that he really likes you!

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