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James Connor answers loads of questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James founded his own
highly successful gay website and film label called FreshSX. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his
experiences as a gay man who enjoys all aspects of love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor
or therapist but his advice is like that of a close friend.
The Ask James Archive has more questions and answers
that were featured in previous editions of the column.
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This Week - Small guy, Nipple love and New to bottoming 
| Billy has a small problem: James, I'm very embarrassed and haven't had sex with a guy in nearly 5 years as I have a small penis. My friends don't understand why I've been single for so long because I'm very popular, good looking (so I'm told) and confident in every other way, but I obviously know why. I'm 35 and starting to feel lonely and as I've always been embarrassed about this, and it has really affected my personal life. I know I'm in a desperate situation as I'm now asking for advice.
| James says: Hi Billy, this is definitely an issue that you need to confront and try to sort out as it will, as you say, cause you some serious issues in your personal life if you don't.
Penis size is not the most important thing in sex. Yes, some gay guys are 'size queens' and will only sleep with guys with big dicks but there are loads and loads of guys for whom penis size is not such an issue. Some guys who don't have such a big dick find it easier and more satisfying sexually to be passive. Other guys don't actually like to participate in anal sex at all but have a very fulfilling sex life just the same.
It is important not to worry about this as anxiety will mean you won't be able to enjoy sex as much as you should due to the fear that you have built up. You do need to start to meet more people to have sex with and overcome your fears. Why not try chatting with people on a gay chat site and arranging to meet, but before you do, tell them that your dick is not so big and see what they say.
Most of the gay chat sites have the function to put dick size so be honest there and you will meet people who aren't that bothered. It is also worth noting that research has shown that the average penis size when erect is around 13-14 cm, and nothing like as big as many people make out.
You could also consider getting some professional counselling and advice on this as 5 years is a long time to have these thoughts. It is time to clear your mind and get on with leading a more happy sex life with guys who are happy to be with you for the person you are, not the dick you think you want.
| regor57 nibbles on this: Hi James, I get great pleasure from my partner licking and nibbling my nipples. He is going away for a month, so are there any gadgets which will provide a similar sensation?
| James replies: Hi there. Well I suppose you could try using a nipple clamp or something although it won't be the same as a real person! A nipple clamp is a clamp that is used to stimulate the nipples by applying different amounts of pressure.
There are loads of different designs available but they are very popular with guys who like the nipples played with so it may be an idea to pop into your local sex shop and see what they have, or have a look online as well as you can buy some great stuff online now! For example, the OutUK online store ShopGay, which is available to everyone in the EU, has lots of toys that provide all sorts of different stimulations and sensations.
| Erake comes up with this: Hi James. Recently I started to try being bottom. But I still consider myself new in this. Before I was only top, but when I used to see my partner really turned on and enjoying it a lot, I started to be curious. Sometimes I admit I enjoy it a lot as a bottom, but most of the time I can not stand it for long and I have to cum. Sometimes it hurts, and it is very rare that I do enjoy it a lot and actually feel my prostate being stimlated. How do I learn to enjoy myself more in this role?
| James answers: Well you need to take more time over sex really, and then you will start to enjoy it more. It would also help a lot if you are with a partner who you can really relax with. Talk through stuff with them as sex is so much more fun when you can talk about it as you go, saying what you like and what turns you on.
When you have sex and it hurts you should stop as that is not right. Pain is the body's way of saying to you that something is not right and you should make sure you stop for a bit. The reason it hurts is because you are not ready. Get your partner to take more time over sex and work you up to a state where you are really gagging for it.
As a bottom you need to feel really turned on by your partner who has to take his time, play with you and stimulate you so that you are aroused to the full. The main reason for not being able to take it for very long is due to you not being able to relax and enjoy it enough. This can be a lot to do with your partner. Some guys are very good at relaxing you and getting you so well prepared that you really do want to be fucked whilst others are not. The more the two of you work on it, then the more you will enjoy your new role!
Having your prostate stimulated is another issue as this depends on the position you are in and also the experience and the size of dick of your partner. Positions such as doggy style will result in a much more satisfying massage of the prostate than most other positions!
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