This Week - Older guys new to it, Lycra love and Online affairs

Jimbo asks: Hi James. I`m an older guy who is now able to be gay after my wife died from cancer last year, and mostly I`m very happy to be able to be me at long last. I`ve had some great liaisons and lovers and now have a great boyfriend, much younger than me, who loves sex and is always randy with me. The problem? I`m finding the sex less satisfying than I imagined. There`s no great pleasure in arse play or anal sex as I am upset by the smell, and so far I have not had orgasmic pleasure in that region as a bottom, or even mild sensations of pleasure come to that. Do you think I will learn to enjoy these pleasures with time or is it possible that I will never achieve the pleasure of penetrative gay sex, because it just isn`t me? Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated.

James says: Hi there, you know not everyone likes the same things in sex and thank goodness, otherwise there would be no variety! Some guys like kissing, others never kiss! Some guys love fucking, others hardly ever have anal sex. Some guys like fisting, others find it disturbing.

The fact that you are not particularly enjoying anal sex is probably an indication that this is one part of gay sex that is not for you. Furthermore if you get no sexual satisfaction from it then I would say that is a pretty strong indication that you really need to think this one through! Why do something sexually that you don't enjoy when there are so many other fantastic things that you can do instead!

Yes, you can learn to enjoy things that you didn't used to like - many guys who are strictly tops with the right person have discovered the pleasures of being bottom for example. Why not have a think about the things in sex that you really enjoy and concentrate on building up the positives.

As for the smell well it is always important to be clean and ready for anal sex which is why most guys who bottom use anal douches to make sure they are clean and then there are no nasty surprises or smells! A little more preparation is clearly needed between the two of you.

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Matt is confused: I'm a 26 year old guy and although I had some confusion over my sexuality in my early teens, I've considered myself straight until now. Recently, an old teenage fantasy of mine has resurfaced. Basically, I've got a fetish for tight lycra sportswear (bikeshorts, speedos, etc), both wearing it and seeing other guys in it. I've been visiting websites and chatting to other like minded guys, and although this gets me very horny, I always feel guilty after. Now I've met a guy online who's really fit, lives near me and wants to meet for sex. While the thought of this makes me excited beyond words, I'm terrified that if I go through with it, the guilt afterwards will destroy me, especially as I've never been with a guy. Or maybe I'm scared that I'll enjoy it so much I might never go back to girls again. I really don't want that to happen!

James replies: Hey, why should you try and control your emotions when they are that strong? If you do manage to control this and block all of your urges they will only get stronger and stronger. This is obviously a feeling inside you that sooner or later you will need to act on.

Liking lycra is pretty harmless, and if you are doing something that you want, and it makes you exicted and happy then really it is not something to feel guilty about. The only reason you would need to feel guilt is if society or other people close to you were to disapprove or dislike your actions. Stop torturing yourself over this. If you're going through a period of fancying guys, just accept it. You might find any encounter is fun, but you could find you go back to girls later. All you need to worry about is staying safe and not putting anyone's health at risk.

I can't think this is an issue here, so act on what you want and don't feel guilty about what you do or what other people may think. If you enjoy something as innocent as this and it makes you feel so excited how can it be wrong?

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Mike asks: I'm just looking for some advice on this issue as im not sure what to do! My boyfriend and I decided to create a joint gaydar account just for the intention of looking for friends. Yesterday I discovered that he created a separate account behind my back and on there he was looking for 1and1 sex, group sex etc. This startled me and made me quite shaken. At first he denied that this was his account, then he admitted it and said he was going to change it to just "look for friends" but forgot. He also said he created those options (1and1 sex, group sex) as he was horny the other night - when I was out. Anyway things calmed down a little, although I was concerned about what else he has done. I was right, I found out that he signed up to some other gay website and has been 'flirting with other guys online, in our local area' - all the times, I've been away. He later apologised saying it was all down to him being horny at the time and that he shouldn't have done it. Oh I also got that crying and breaking down stuff. I don't know what to do. Maybe it's just me and this sort of thing happens, but I'm not sure if I trust him as much anymore - something which he understands. If I hadn't discovered all this, I'm not sure if he would've met up with someone or not. It's the fact that this has been going on behind me back for sometime - I know, it's not as bad as him actually going behind my back and physically doing something with someone, but I'm not sure what his intentions were. Maybe I am being over the top, and this is normal but I don't know.

James answers: Hi Mike, I think you shouldn't be so worried about all this, and if you let it take over your relationship you will end up destroying everything you have built up with your partner. You need to face the fact that no matter how in love two people are they will still find other people attractive, and flirting is something that is part of the make up of most men.

Just because someone has a profile that says they are looking for 1and1 sex, it doesn't necessarily mean they are going to go through with it. Maybe he is just using the profile to chat and flirt with guys when he is horny (as he has told you) and indeed this can be a lot of fun and frankly it is part of modern society now.

At the end of the day only you know him well enough to know if you can trust him, and whether you think he was just chatting online or whether he was planning on meeting up with some of the guys he chats to.

Having a few profiles online is not really so shocking in this day and age. You really need to talk openly about everything. Maybe he does have thoughts about having sex with other guys and that is why he is online. If you two found it easier to talk then maybe you would not be in this situation now. A lot of couples are able to have very successful relationships and talk about their feelings towards other guys or talk about when they are horny.

The important part of any relationship is having respect for each other. You need to decide together how far each of you can go in your private life. If you're happy for him to chat online to ther guys tell him. If you're not happy for him to meet other guys he chats to for sex you need to discuss it and make it clear. You also need to make clear what you want to do too. Successful relationships are always a matter of give and take, and being honest with yourself and each other.

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