This Week - On and Off bfs, Is sex safe and Letting on

Casey's has a bit of a dilemma: I met this guy in September, had a really good time with him. He said he had just come out of a relationship and was just looking for some nice company for cuddles etc. and then a week later he said he meet someone else! A few months down the line the guy gets back in contact as he's broken up with the new man so we met up just before Christmas. Again we have a really great time (no sex this time, he's not over his ex and thought it would be unfair on both parts) and arrange to meet up again soon! We met up in the week after New Year and arrange to go out the following weekend which we do! Both great nights, and again we just cuddled and then we ended up having sex (well he pleasured me only) in the morning! So now I think I'm falling for him and wished I'd pleasured him to! I really don't know what to do, should I wait around, be his friend and just see what happens, or is he just biding his time until something better comes along? He is a great guy and we do get on really well and the sex is the best I've ever had but I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Do you think he's for real?

James says: Hi Casey, well to be honest my initial reaction to this would be that he didn't really seem too interested in you before as he went and found someone else. If you were very strong in this you would remember that, as he did place you second best before!

You need to decide whether you think he will like you enough now to spend more time with you, or whether he will go and find someone else like he did before at the first opportunity. I suppose you don't really know each other that well so if you do like him, and want to pursue this, then you should definitely spend some time together.

Don't go falling in love before you've found out about this guy. Yes the two of you have great sex but that's no reason to fall in love quite yet. You need to know more about each other and talk more as well. He may be for real but unless you spend more time with him you will never find out! Take it one step at a time, and getting to really know him comes way ahead of falling for him.

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CoensterHi says: I'm so grateful for this site. I'm 18 and studying my masters degree in psychology and forensic criminology. I'm not out and need some advice. If I should enter into a sexual relationship, how do I protect myself from Herpes Zoster, Simplex, and the host of other STD's. And what about anal penetration, won't it do permanent damage to the anal sphincter?

James replies: Hi there! There are a lot of STD's that you could catch if you were in a sexual relationship and they are transmitted in many different ways. The best way to avoid a lot of STD's is to always have protected sex which means using a condom for anal sex.

Condoms offer very good protection against STD's such as HIV, Syphilis, Gonorrhea and Chlamydia. However STD's are not only transmitted from anal sex. For example, by sucking another guys dick or from being sucked you do run risks of catching Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Herpes and Syphilis and there are also risks from rimming (oral-anal sex) where you can catch diseases such as Hepatitis A and Shigella.

Of course you can also use condoms for oral sex if you want to be really safe but most guys find this makes sex a really clinical experience! If you use condoms for oral sex then at least get some with a flavour taste. You might also think about using dental dams (squares of plastic) that can be used for safe rimming or you could just cut up a condom and use that! All of these items are available from the OutUK online store ShopGay.

As for damaging your anal sphincter there is of course a risk of damage if you put anything in your anus but if you are careful then you should be ok! Remember that there are many people (gay and straight) who participate in anal sex who haven't done themselves any damage but you should always be sensible and never put something up there that is too big unless you really know what you are doing!

There's far less chance of doing damage with another guys cock than there is with anything else. But even with another guys you need to take it easy and take a lot of time, proceed slowly and use plenty of lube. Take a look at the archive section of Ask James to read my previous answer on exactly how to get fucked.

If you are concerned with this and also want more information about STD's then why not go and visit and STD clinic where they can give you a whole range of advice and they will be able to see you anonymously as well.

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miko wants to know: I've just finished with my girl well 2 months ago. She's a brill girl, any man's dream but I like men as well. Don't wanna tell her that. We are in the same course at Uni and no one knows I like men. It burns me up inside, I really wanna tell someone but I can't trust anyone. I'm too embarassed. HELP ME PLEASE!!!

James answers: Hi well this isn't such a strange situation and I think you will find that there are loads and loads of guys in exactly the same situation as you! What would really help you is if you were able to chat with other guys in a similar situation, you'd be able to spill the beans to someone else who would totally understand!

Probably it wouldn't be best to tell your ex-girlfriend just yet. Maybe you could try one of the gay chat sites and just create a profile and then you can chat with other people. You could also search for guys who are listed as bisexual as they may have more experience with sleeping with both girls and guys. Maybe you also have a close friend who you could confide in?

I think you really need to talk with someone friendly about this though. Choose someone who is not going to react badly, so someone already out as gay or bisexual, or a very close friend who you know won't react badly. It will be a relief for you to discuss it with someone and then you can start to make some more decisions about what you want from your life. Telling everyone else can wait.

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