James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James founded his own
highly successful gay website and film label called FreshSX. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his
experiences as a gay man who enjoys all aspects of love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor
or therapist but his advice is like that of a close friend. |
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - Changing Roles, Out the Army and Daisy chains
Paul is changing roles: Hi James, I've been with my bf for 14 years & were married in '06. I have always topped, but for a while now I've wanted to try being fucked. My bf doesn't want to. Should I just leave it or try it with someone else.
James says: Hi Paul, most people do prefer being either top or bottom and there are very few truly versatile guys who love being fucked as much as fucking. Also a lot of relationships are based on sexual roles - an active guy often pairs up with a bottom guy so that they are sexually compatible.
What does happen over time is that roles change. There are a lot of guys who once were total tops and then for some reason change into total bottoms and vice versa. There are also guys who like you may have always been top and then realise that life is short and maybe you are missing out on something and decide to try being bottom.
If you have only been active then you are missing out in sex. Being a bottom can be very stimulating especially if you haven't been bottom before. You will need to overcome the issues of getting used to it a little and making sure you are relaxed enough and it is not painful. If you guys have an open relationship then there would be no reason for you to try out being passive with someone else. You might also like to consider a threesome with your partner and another top.
Most important though ask your partner why he doesn't want to try being a top. If he is scared of getting hard and staying that way long enough then there is always viagra or he could wear a cock ring as that helps too. Before you get involved with somebody else the two of you should talk through your feelings.
Taylor is wondering: Hey James, I have a friend who's in the army and coming home in a few months. We have talked about fucking but I have never had a dick up my ass. I want him to my first as we went to school together and I know him very well. The thing is, I want my ass to be ready so he doesn't hurt me down there. What steps could I take? What's the best dildo or lube?
James replies: Well best to get to know your ass a bit before!
Try getting a silicone based lube (they are more silky and don't dry out like water based ones) and use it on your finger to play with your ass. You need to get used to having your finger in your ass - slowly move your finger around to allow the muscles in your ass to relax so you can get used to the feeling.
Practice this and if you feel like it try 2 fingers as well. Then you can also get a smallish dildo (probably 7" is enough!) and try with that. Always use loads of lube and take your time. If it hurts stop. Learn how to relax the muscles in your ass and it won't hurt!
When it comes to having sex with someone the best way for it not to hurt is for the active guy to start off slowly. Also the best tops are also people who sometimes bottom as they know what it is like from the other point of view!
Ryan asks for three: Hi James, I love the idea of being the middle guy in a line so I am fucking a lad whilst another is fucking me. I've tried it once but it was very difficult to get it to work. Have a you any tips and is it more or less difficult with 4 or 5 guys?
James answers: Hi Ryan, well you are right that sandwich or chain fucking is not so easy. We do it a lot in the movies and it works there as we cast the guys into the right positions!
So for this to work you need one guy who is totally versatile and who loves to be fucked and can also stay hard while being fucked in order to be able to fuck the guy in front. You also need a guy who is a good top who can fuck the guy in the middle and on the other end you need a guy who is a good bottom.
I think casting porn stars to do this is much easier than doing it in real life but if you know a few guys who fit what is required to do this then it is worth arranging to meet to try it out. You do need to know what each others best positions are though.
If you are all similar height then you can try it out while standing - if you are not then it will be much easier to do it lying on the bed on your sides. Check out scene 1 from the FreshSX movie Fuck Me 3 Way and you can see them doing 3 guys in a chain standing. Also have a look at scene 4 from The Apprentice 1 and again there are 3 guys but they show how to do it lying on a bed. Both are available from OutUK's online store ShopGay.nl.
Then of course when you add more guys eg. with 4 or 5, it gets even harder to get it to work. If I were you I would stick to 3 and try and plan it so that you have 3 guys who are sexually right for the different positions - then it should work ok!