James Connor can answer all your questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James is founder of the
website www.freshsx.com and his new DVD label has
just released it's first movie featuring James in action. It's available now from the OutUK
online store ShopGay. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his experiences as a gay man who enjoys all
love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor or therapist but his advice is like that of a close
The Ask James Archive has loads of questions and answers
featured in previous editions of the column.
This Week - Cheating, No sex please and Keeping clean
Jeremy needs an honest answer: James, can you help? How do I know if my boyfriend is cheating? We have been together for 5 years now, and I think he may be having sex with some other guys. We are intimate less ourselves, and sometimes he's away without much explanation. What should I do?
James says: Hi Jeremy, this is not so easy as there is no real way of finding out without following him around 24/7. Even if you ask him then do you think he would tell you the truth?
If you have a relationship which is based on monogamy and anything outside that is considered wrong then it would be hard to suddenly start talking about having sex with other guys, but somehow you are going to have to try and talk about it. After 5 years together you should be able to talk about most things.
It is not uncommon after being in a relationship for some time for the spark that you once had sexually to die a little. This is all very common and one of the challenges of being in a relationship. Many couples think that once the sex becomes less interesting the relationship is over, whereas the real challenge is overcoming this and remaining together despite the fact that your sex life is not what it used to be!
There are various solutions to your problem. Some couples opt for an open relationship. Other couples opt to have 3-somes introducing another guy to spice up their sex life. Other couples prefer to ignore it and not talk about it, but often not confronting an issue can create even more problems. The bottom line is that the two of you really do need to talk.
Jason is turned off: Hi James. I am strongly attracted to guys, both emotionally and sensually but to be honest all the sex I have had has been less than satisfying. I enjoy everything leading up to it, but don't particularly like the act itself. It seems just about every gay guy out there wants sex. How do I find a partner who wants a long-term monogamous relationship that's intimate but not really sexual?
James replies: Hi Jason, well relationships are meant to be sexual so maybe you have a problem with this? Yes, a relationship is about being with someone special and sharing great times together and sharing intimate moments, but for most men the sex is also an important factor. In fact many gay guys actually consider a relationship is defined by the fact that you have sex regularly with the same guy!
I think you need to steer clear of guys who are just looking for sex and go more for someone who is looking for a relationship BUT you should also expect that the relationship may well become sexual as well as intimate. If you find the right person, and he doesn't rush you or force you, you might find you start to really enjoy it with him.
Have you tried looking at the personals in gay magazines or the online chat / dating sites? Here other likeminded people post their details and state what sort of a relationship they want, so this would be a much easier way of meeting someone suitable. Try not to use the sites like gaydar which are more geared towards sex and instead try dating sites which are more about finding a partner.
You may also like to try out other forms of meeting guys such as speed dating, singles holidays, meeting places etc. And don't worry, there is someone out there just for you, you just haven't met him yet!
Sean needs a breath of fresh air: Hi James, I keep myself clean at all times, and love it when partners rim me. What I don't like is to smell their breath or kiss them after. When I avoid them I feel really guilty, especially when I see guys rimming others in films, just before they kiss. Am I doing something wrong? How can I get over this?
James answers: Hi Sean, well before having sex and being rimmed you should make sure that you have cleaned properly! Most guys who are bottom will douche and/or shower so they feel clean before having sex. Then if someone rims your ass and they then go to kiss you, you wouldn't find it dirty! And you certainly wouldn't smell anything on their breath!
Douching is where you put water inside your ass, hold it there and then release the water out to clean out the anal passage. This is very effective at making sure you are clean for sex BUT be careful not to do it too often as it can strip away too much of the natural bacteria that lines the anus.
Douching now and again is good - everyday is not good. You can also clean the ass by having a shower or a bath.