This Week - Coming Out, Bi choices and Trophy style boyfriends

Timmy comes out with this: Hi James! I am gay and I don't want to come out to my workmates. I've been trying to hide. However, I think they're talking behind my back. What should I do if someone asks if I am gay? I cannot think of any response that would neither confirm nor deny, or anything that would shut them up. Can you give me some advice please. Thanks James.

James says: Hi Timmy, I think you are right about it being very difficult to come up with some responses suitable for your workmates. Gay Lifestyles and the rights associated with them have really been in the news in the past few years, with notably the Civil Partnership Bill and Same Sex Marriage Bill which are now law. Gay men and women are being discriminated against much less now, so you may find that all of this is much less of an issue than you thought.

Yes, people are interested, and yes they'll probably gossip for a day or so, but will almost certainly move on to some other gossip soon after they find out. Of course I do not know your workmates, or if you do a particularly physical job in a rough enviroment, but I do know that if it were a real problem for me I would either find myself a new job, or just tell them.

To try and make up a fake girlfriend or something like that to keep them happy and off your back, is really only a short term answer. Long term they'll still snoop into your affairs until they know for sure. If you are happy for them to know you are gay then you will just have to come out to them. If you have one close friend there start with him, rather than en masse with everyone at the same time.

If you don't feel you can do that, then move on with your life, and seek out somewhere else to work. No one has a right to know about your sexual preferences if you don't wish them to know, however living a lie and keeping up a pretense is just not worth it.

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Stuart comes bi with: Dear James, I am a 19 year old university student, and know quite well that I am bisexual. However I have noticed that my attraction to men and women varies a lot through time. Often I find men more attractive and at other times women are more attractive. Why is this?

James replies: Hi Stuart, it is quite normal to feel attracted to different people at different times. You are still very young, and are still coming to terms with your sexuality and also all of your preferences. It is more than possible that you are entirely bisexual and will at different times in your life be interested in men and women in differing ways.

It is also possible that you may be more attracted to women at times when you are having problems dealing with issues of being gay and so it is easier for you to be attracted to women! Other times when you are more sure of your sexuality or are in a more inclusive atmosphere you may feel more attracted to men.

As you become more used to your sexual preferences you should find that you are more attracted to either men or women and should notice fewer swings between the two although that is not always the case! Many people have the best of both worlds and are entirely bisexual for all of their lives. And of course you could just get bowled over by someone who you fall in love with and that would change everything - they could be of either sex.

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Kevin has a prize question: I have a much younger boyfriend. I'm 38, he's 20. He's got a very athletic and muscular defined body as he works out in the gym and is a kickboxer. When we go out I would like him to get noticed more by people. I would like him to wear more tighter white t shirt tops and maybe show midriff along with his boxers label and maybe some belly button. Is this normal or am I making him too much into an arm trophy. I have bought him the clothes I want him to wear and he is more than happy to oblige. I feel a thrill when I see heads turn when I go out with him. Is this wrong?

James answers: No this isn't really normal. Most people would choose to be with a guy because they were in love with him and not just because he looked good on their arm and were being used as a trophy to show off to friends!

If you are happy with this short term and he wants to oblige then that is fine I suppose but do be aware that it is not nice to do this to someone long term. Fine for a one off, or a bit of fun occasionally, but not on an ongoing regular basis.

At the end of the day you need to decide what you want from life. Having a cute boy on your arm is one thing, but I would really urge you seriously to look at your motives here, and begin to think about your long term happiness. If all you two mean to one another is what each of you look like, and it all revolves around the beauty of his midriff then it's really not a great foundation for the relationship. If his midriff increases you may find that your attraction for one another decreases.

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