This Week - Late starter, Unwilling bottom and Living with parents

Claudio's new to it: I am a 40s something gay guy, only now coming to terms with my sexuality. I have no experience of meeting gay guys, never mind sex. Have constant fanatasies about the gay sex act, but I don't know what to do. What sort of things should I be ready for when I meet a guy, and how can you practice? Can you provide any pointers please? Would I be too mature or repressed to be of interest to anyone?

James says: It is quite common for guys to realise their sexuality at different points during their life. Not all guys know and accept they are gay from when they are at school. I think it will be very reassuring to you to know that there are a lot of guys in exactly the same position as you.

I am not sure if there is anything that you can or should actually 'practice' before having sex with a guy as that could put too much pressure on you the first time you have sex with a man. Of course it will be an enlightening experience for you but it should also be natural and enjoyable for you.

What is perhaps better is to make sure you meet the right person and I don't mean finding 'the one' for your first sexual encounter, but finding someone who will make it the experience you would hope it to be. Many guys rush into having sex with men and often look back and regret their first experiences. It's also important to make sure you have sex in the right enviroment. A nice hotel room, your or his home, or somewhere special that you like. It all helps to make things relaxed and that in turn makes the whole experience much more memorable.

A great idea would be to create and online profile on a dating website, and chat to other guys there and talk about sex. Find out what other guys like doing in sex and then you can start thinking about what you think you would enjoy. You can also more easily meet someone who is more suited to you this way and chat before, so that at least he has some kind of understanding of your situation. You might even find someone who is in the same position as you. Some guys also hire escorts for their first sexual experiences as well. As long as you choose an escort who is suitable that can also be a great experience.

The most important thing is not to be pressed into doing anything you don't want to do when you have sex for the first time. It is an important thing to do and in the excitement it is possible to get carried away. Just make sure you enjoy it and most importantly make it safe!

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Sam not lovin' it: Hi James, I'm a 25 year old Top gay. I started a relationship with a versatile guy more than a year ago. We didn't have any problem with having sex together when I used to just fuck him. Then he insisted to be my top and I accepted it. The problem is that after many months I don't like getting fucked at all! I never never enjoy it although I've heard it could be so joyful for every one. Another problem is that I almost always have bleeding when he fucks me although his dick just average. Please tell me first how I can stop this bleeding and then how I can enjoy getting fucked.

James replies: Sam, you should never have bleeding when you are being fucked - this is nature's way of showing you that something is wrong! Bleeding often occurs when you are too tight and not relaxed enough and part of the anus gets scratched and opens and bleeds. Also it takes a week or so for this to heal so you shouldn't have anal sex for a while if you have been bleeding otherwise it will make it worse. You need to give your body time to heal.

You need to think about whether you actually want to be fucked or whether you would prefer to be top only. Having said that being passive is actually a state of mind. When you really want it you can take practically anything and that means much bigger dicks too! The fact that your boyfriend has an average size dick means that it is not so difficult to be fucked by him - it would be much much more difficult if he had 9"!!

There are many various psychological reasons why guys don't like being fucked. It can be to do with a bad experience in the past, down to doctrines instilled at an early age from society or religion or it could be to do with accepting yourself as someone who is able to be submissive. Maybe it is the wrong point in your life to be a passive guy! You really need to want to be fucked and when you do then this will make you an excellent bottom.

You could help yourself by talking about the problem with your boyfriend and discussing it openly together. He should be much more gentle with you so that you don't bleed and make sure you use loads of lube as that is very important. He should also go very slowly and you need to tell him to stop if it is painful. Have a look at some of the other questions on being fucked that we have had in the Ask James Archive as there is more useful advice there too!

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Steve worries: I'm 20 years old, and all I've ever wanted was a stable, loving relationship. I've been dating a guy for four months now, he's 22, really cute, intelligent and one hell of a cuddler. However, he lives with his parents 30 minutes away, and they aren't too accepting of him. He really doesn't have any other choice but to live with them. He works five days a week, and his grandfather is in poor health on top of it all. I'm a full-time student. With most other guys, my patience would be finished at this point. With this guy I'm patient and understanding, but I can't call his house, and our only means of communication is instant messenger or his work phone number. When I ask him about keeping in touch, he says, 'You know how I get. I just have to be away for a few days.' I'm not a jerk, I can respect his feelings, but I at least like a 'hello' every other day or something. Is that too much to ask?

James answers: What you need to do in this situation is give him the space and understanding that he needs. I don't think you can push him to give you more attention at the moment as it would seem he is giving you all the attention he can in his current situation.

You may find that you can handle this or you may have to make the decision that it is too difficult for you, and it is upsetting you too much to continue to be with him just at the moment. It really is down to you and what you want from a relationship. For any partnership to work you not only have to have two people in love with one another, but they have also got to be in the same frame of mind as each other, and able to be together. Whilst you may have some elements here, you clearly haven't achieved the whole. The question is, are you happy to wait for him?

It may not be a temporary problem either. You need to be aware that some guys like to be left alone whereas other guys like to have constant attention. Add in other factors such as the situation with his parents and it all makes it much more difficult. Is this the guy for you or is the situation going to make your relationship more and more difficult? You need to work out what you want from a relationship, and then decide if he is the person to give it too you.

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