This Week - Changing sexuality, Worrying and Coming Out

Danny wants to know: Hi James, is there any way I can change my sexuality? I've thought that I was gay since like 7 years old. It gives me many problems, such as I can't look at boys directly, some even try to avoid me. That's all in the past. Now I have learnt to control my emotions, but I don't think I can keep it a secret any longer ... I want to be straight like most boys are.

James says: Hi Danny, to be honest the origins of human sexuality are still being widely investigated and discussed. Some think that your sexuality is derived genetically and therefore you are born either gay or straight. Others believe that it is more to do with your environment as a child and the social circumstances in which you live. It is probably a combination of both these factors that ultimately do decide whether someone is gay, straight or bisexual.

If being gay proves to be fundamentally a genetic matter then changing your sexuality is going to be very difficult as you are going against what nature has intended for you. If it's also to do with your family or social environment then it may be a little easier for you to alter your sexuality, or at least the appearance of your sexuality. The important thing to consider is that if you try and change what's normal for you, just how tormented you will be, and whether you will end up just hiding from your real self?

Do you enjoy, or think you will enjoy, sex with men or women more? If you are really turned on by men and ultimately want to be with men how difficult is it going to be for you to become straight? Surely even if you do manage to pretend to yourself and others that you have become straight won't you still think about men and want to be with them?

Very few people believe that sexuality is something that can be chosen or switched on and off as you choose. Frankly many have tried and ended up very unhappy on the way. You need to really think about your feelings and what you want out of life before you try and make yourself into something you are not. Be proud of who you are, that's proud of the REAL you. Good Luck!

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Jerome is worried: Hi James, I have been in a serious relationship with a wonderful guy for close on three years. Our sex life was spectacular and I don't only mean bells and whistles; caring and concern for the other's needs played a major part as well. However, during the last three months there has been a drastic reduction in our sexual activity as a result of increased stress. My partner has been unemployed for this time and has become an almost changed person. He says that he feels dead inside from the lack of dignity in not having work. He is a Master's graduate from one of the major USA universities and as such feels worthless as an individual. No matter how much I tell him I love and respect him and will provide for his needs, he still says that he feels worthless. Please help.

James replies: Yes Jerome, this is an all to frequent situation for many couples. Major changes in a person's life can have many repercussions as people react to changes of this sort in many different ways. The biggest stress factors in life are bereavement, losing your job, money, divorce and moving.

It is not surprising that someone who has studied at university and then finds himself unemployed for several months could suffer from very high levels of stress, and it is very common for people to react to this badly. What your partner needs now is for you to be behind him and fully support him in throughout this very difficult period. Reassurance is one of the key factors here as unemployment often makes people feel worthless and they can lose a lot of confidence and self-esteem so reassuring your partner of his abilities and talents is very important. It sounds from what you say that you are doing exactly the right thing.

It is also understandable that he is no longer interested so much in sex as there are serious concerns from his side and this often results in a reduced libido. Stick by him, offer him your full support, help him maintain his levels of confidence and help him find a new job and then you can get back to your normal routine and lead a more relaxed stress free life. Providing he is not in this situation for too long, you will find that his appetite for sex will almost certainly return as soon as his stress levels decrease and his self-esteem increases.

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eBoogaloo is back again: Thank you James, I have taken your advice and calmed down a bit, I understand that at 16, I am still growing up, and I may not understand the changes I am going thru. And yes, I have started to worry less. Thank you. It's just the coming out that is the thing I worry about. I think my parents would take the news very badly. I just cannot bear to think what could happen if I decide to come out. How did you come out to your parents, friends and family. How did they react, what could I expect as a reaction from my parents. I kinda was caught reading a book called Rainbow High, by Alex Sanchez, and it had gay characters in it and my mum didn't like it, she threatend to tell my dad and not talk to me or support my decision if I came out as gay. I will try and talk to my friend who I like in a slowly slowly way, it might shock him if I blurt it all out.

PS, thanks for replying to my first question. you have helped a lot of people and I admire you for your help. Keep up the good work. eBoogaloo

James answers: Hey there, good to hear that you are worrying less! I am afraid that you do seem to have a problem with your family if they are showing signs of not accepting you being gay. Having said that though I think that this is the kind of reaction you get from most parents the first time they hear or suspect that their child might be gay. I know that it was the same with my parents. It just comes as a shock to them and they can react in fairly stereotypical ways when they are in shock.

I found that after a few days my parents started to calm down and we talked things through more rationally and now things are fine! So try not to worry too much about this either, as when they first find out you are gay they are bound to be a bit shocked. It may be a hard few days but they should calm down after a while especially if they are able to talk to you about it frankly and supportively.

It is much easier to come out now than it was previously as there are so many more gay people on tv and being gay is now becoming commonplace and is much more widely accepted. You need to try and focus them on helping you to lead a happy life, one that you are content with and will enjoy. They need to focus less on their aspirations - it is YOUR life they are talking about here.

When I came out to my mum and dad I already had a boyfriend who was a really nice guy. I found that made it much easier as they were able to meet him and see how nice he was. There was a lot that my mum wanted to know though, and it will probably be the same for you. There is a lot of misunderstanding about what being gay means. If you can talk to your mum or dad about being gay then it would help them a lot to understand you and how you feel.

What you need to remember is that if they go crazy at you when you tell them you are gay then they are taking a selfish point of view and are just thinking of themselves. You however also have to understand their negitiveity. The fact that they have a gay son, they may not have grandchildren, they can think of many less than attractive stereotypical images of gay men and of course the possible increased risks of HIV. When some parents find out their child is gay they also ask themselves "What did they do wrong!"

By talking to them you can make them realise that you are going through just as much worry as them, and that it is not a choice you have made to annoy them but it is something that you feel inside, and you are truly following your feelings. You will need to educate them about what being gay is and get rid of some of their preconceived ideas many of which may be quite inaccurate.

You will find it easier to come out to some of your friends first as they are not going to have the same emotional ties to you as your parents. I started telling my friends first and that was fine! Good luck! It is a bit scary at first but it is amazing how easy it gets after a while and how you find that a majority of good people don't really care if you are gay or straight!!!

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