This Week - Low sex drive, On my own again and Drinking

Andrew asks: Although I love my partner of just over two years dearly, I am finding problems with my partner's lack of sexual desire. He says he fancies the pants off me, but I find myself doubting this as he lacks an interest in having sex with me. He says he has always had a low sex drive and that's it. I would have sex every day if I could, especially with him as I find him so sexy and attractive. I'm finding that for some time I have not been inclined in any way at all to instigate sexual activity and it is just down to him. I can't go a week without being intimate with him and yet recently I had to do just that. I don't know what to do but it is something which bothers me deeply as I keep thinking to myself more and more that maybe I should satisfy my sexual desire elsewhere and have the once a week Saturday night job with my boyfriend. He would be happy at that if he didn't know what I was doing, but at the same time, I don't want to do that to him and I don't wish to be in that type of relationship. Please can you give me some advice as he doesn't realise how much this is affecting our relationship and probably won't until it is too late.

James says: Hi Andrew, you know this is not so uncommon! You see that initial buzz when you first meet someone can wear off quite fast and after that you need to keep reinventing ways of making your sex life fun and interesting for both of you. This can only really happen if you are able to talk about it.

You need to be terribly open and honest about this and talk with him about all your feelings on the subject. There are loads of solutions ranging from spicing up the sex you have together through to considering having some kind of more open relationship where you also have sex with other guys, particularly together.

At the end of the day it is not an easy problem to solve but the only way you will sort this out is it to sit down and discuss it. It is not a good idea to try and sort this on your own, and going off with other guys behind his back is certainly not going to improve things at all. You need to treat the causes and not the symptoms, so a short term fling with other guys is certainly not the right approach, particularly if you love him so much.

You are right in the view that the more this goes on without being sorted then the more it's likely to create serious problems for your relationship. Sex is an important part of any relationship and you really need to be able to discuss sex on every level, so that you are both able to understand each other fully and you both have a fullfilling and meaningful relationship.

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Ray needs advice: My partner of nearly 4 years has just left me. I don't really know what to do. I am not good on my own in bars and I am shy at meeting other guys.

James replies: Hi Ray, I think this is the one thing that scares a lot of people when they are in a relationship. Often when you are with someone for a long time you end up relying on that person for so many aspects of your life like friends, family and going out.

If for some reason you split up, or you lose that person, then it can be hard to get out there and start all over again. Luckily there are now so many ways of meeting people including all the various gay chat sites online. There are also the personals in most of the gay magazines and outlets such as these can be a good way of making new friends, hooking up with guys for sex, or finding someone new for a relationship.

Maybe you should also consider the fact that as you have been in a relationship for quite a while there are now many things that you can start to enjoy doing on your own that you couldn't do before. This could be an opportunity for you to discover new things and new people. Have a think about the types of activity you enjoy and maybe consider starting an evening class. There are also various gay meetings where you can meet guys who also find it hard to meet others in bars.

The most important thing here is that you do something, rather than do nothing. How ever difficult you find it, you need to meet up with other gay men in some sort of activity, and often the best ones are those not directly associated with dating or socialising. So something fun that you enjoy rather than bars or clubs.

Of course you can get into bars and clubs when you are feeling more confident, but start with an activity you enjoy and get used to going out on your own, and enjoying life without your former partner.

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Ed asks: James, I think I am beginning to drink too much. I am never drunk, in the fall over sense, but I think I am too dependent on having alcohol and do so just about every day. No one has ever said anything to me about it, but I am worried. What should I do?

James answers: Well drinking alcohol becomes regarded as an addiction when you can't go a single day without a drink. This does however also depend on the quantities of alcohol you are drinking.

It is quite widely agreed that a glass of red wine each day can be very good for you, but a bottle a day is not. You need to make yourself very aware of just how much you are drinking.

Start a diary and write down how much and when you drink alcohol so that you have a clear idea of where your problem lies. Do you drink a lot in the evening for example or mostly when you go out? Do you drink alone or only with friends?

Take this diary to your doctor and ask for some advice and if it's thought you need some help then there is an awful lot of support available. Don't be afraid to take stock of what is going on in your life and seek some help if you need it. Your doctor will be able to advise you, but take him all the details and facts - don't just turn up and say you think you have a problem but you are not sure. You need to be clear and concise about exactly what is worrying you, and just what effect this alcohol is having on your life.

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