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James Connor answers loads of questions on gay relationships, sex, health and love. James founded his own
highly successful gay website and film label called FreshSX. The opinions he gives in Ask James are based on his
experiences as a gay man who enjoys all aspects of love and sex. He's not a qualified doctor, trained counsellor
or therapist but his advice is like that of a close friend.
The Ask James Archive has more questions and answers
that were featured in previous editions of the column.
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This Week - Rimming Bugs, Passive sex and First bathhouse 
| Tempted is just that: We are always told about the nasty little bugs you can get from unprotected butthole rimming. We see more of it in porn than ever before. What do porn star models do or know that the rest of us don't?
| James says: The more formal name for rimming is anilingus and although you can't catch HIV from this activity you can catch loads of other diseases including Amebiasis, Cryptosporidium, Giardia, Hepatitis A and Shigella. To avoid catching anything nasty from rimming you can use a dental dam or a cut up condom as a barrier.
You should of course wash around the anus before you have sex or use an anal douche but this won't necessarily remove all the harmful bacteria. You can buy an inexpensive anal douche which you attach to the end of the bath shower hose from the OutUK shop ShopGay.
Porn stars do know the risks of rimming and I have never seen a movie where the guys are using a dental dam! The risks of infection if you and your partner are both healthy is quite low, but there are still risks so this is something to bear in mind.
| Jon's not snoozing: Hello James! I've been seeing a guy recently, who really turns me on and whom I could be falling for. Problem is that he says he's 'passive'. Now that in itself isn't really a problem as I really like the role of caring for and cherishing him. The problem is that he is SO passive that it sometimes seems to me that he's not really taking part in our lovemaking, just having sex 'done' to him. I miss the response I have usually associated with mutual pleasure. Do you think it is 'normal' to be as passive as I describe? Do you think he just doesn't really like our lovemaking. Otherwise I think we're 'good' together. What do think the problem might be? I'm puzzled by the mixed messages I'm getting.
| James replies: Hi Jon, I don't really see that there is a problem here nor that he is giving you mixed messages. Not all guys have sex in the same way and some guys who are passive really like to just lie there and take it all in. Some guys are much more responsive as a bottom than others.
Terms such as an 'active bottom' or 'power bottom' have be coined for guys who take part more and are more physical when they are in the passive role. It just so happens that the guy you are with is not like this in bed, but it really doesn't mean that there is something wrong, and it also doesn't mean that he does not enjoy sex with you.
I think the best solution here would be to actually talk with him about your sex life. I know it can be difficult to talk about sex sometimes but it is really important to have a dialogue going about your own sex life so that you both know how you are feeling about sex and where there might be any problems. Tell him what you want him to do, and teach him to bottom for you the way you'd like him too.
| Sean needs advice: Hi! I am 18 and haven't came out of the closet so to speak yet, and was thinking of using a bathhouse. Would you recommend this?
| James answers: Hi Sean, it is not always so easy to come out as being gay and this takes time so the fact that you are still 18 and haven't done so yet is nothing to worry about. If you want to meet other guys for sex then going to a gay sauna is an option I suppose, but frankly if this is going to be your first ever sex it may be a bit daunting, and I'm not sure I recommend it.
If you really are set on it, then it is always easier to go with a friend, particularly if you have one who is gay and has been to a sauna before! That way you can look out for one another and he can tell you what happens and show you around.
There are lots of guides to gay saunas available, the best known of which is the Spartacus Sauna Guide. It tells you where they are, reviews all the facilities, and gives you a general insight into what goes on. Nowadays it's only available online but easy to find if you search for it.
If you go on your own then make sure you know in advance what you want to do, and what your limits are and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. If you decide to have anal sex then always use a condom and make it safe! It may also be a good idea to go during the day as there is usually a more relaxed, friendly atmosphere then. Often the night saunas are a lot more cruisy.
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