This Week - I lose it, I lose it too quick and I can't lose it

Robbie's deflated: Hi James. I am 20 years old and for the past few years I have had various relationships but when it comes to the bedroom I have always been a bottom. However, the guy I'm with now really wants me to top him, and I get turned on by the idea of this until I put the condom on. Then I suddenly can't stay hard. It is the most embarassing thing. I guess it's anxiety about being able to perform I suppose, but I don't know what I can do about it. Please help!

James says: Hi Robbie, you know what is going on here. It is the anxiety factor! Getting hard and staying hard has an awful lot to do with the mind. If you are nervous or worry about staying hard and performing then it can be very difficult to be active as the anxiety will often make you lose your hard on.

Try and relax with sex and take your time over it. You should also speak to your partner about it as well, so that you are very relaxed together, both about talking about sex and also doing it. You need to be able to enjoy sex and relax whilst having sex. Don't worry about it! If you are hard and want to be top then do, and if you can't get hard then that time be bottom.

As you learn to relax with each other you will realise that sex isn't such a big thing and is certainly not worth worrying about. You need to try and have sex in lots of different places at home, whilst you are doing other things, be naked often and get each other hard as often as you can. Then when you are not even thinking about being active you will find that you stay hard for hours and be able to fuck your partner more than he or you could ever have imagined!

All this is not easy but over time and through communication you can get there. If you are particularly concerned about this, and longterm you can't sort it out yourself, after say another 3 or 6 months, then you could go to your STD clinic as they will also be able to offer some advice. Some people might suggest taking some viagra but at 20 years old I don't think you would want to get into the situation where you could only be active by taking drugs. Although a temporary fix it's not a good situation for you to be in, so you really do need to be patient and start to learn exactly how you can get yourself hard when you want to be.

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Dave's slips this in quick: Hi James. Every time I begin to masturbate I cum to quick and I feel when I get there with my partner that I wont be up to the standard. How do I improve?

James replies: Cuming too quickly is called premature ejaculation and is something that worries a lot of people. There are various things you can do to stop this. The main thing is to learn more about your own body and what makes you cum and when. Once you start to learn about yourself you will be able to make sex last longer and you won't cum so fast.

The best way to experiment is through wanking. You need to wank yourself right up to the point where you are about to cum but stop just before you do. There is a 'point of no return' where you just can't stop yourself cuming and you need to practice finding where that is for you. Build yourself up to it and then stop and relax for 5 minutes. Then start again and do the same thing again.

By doing this over and over you will be more in control of when you cum and you will soon be able to choose exactly when you cum and when you don't. Then you can put this into practice when you are with your partner. If you feel you are really close you can just slow down or stop and relax for a bit and then start again. It is also a good exercise to do for your body as your ejaculations will be much stronger as a result and you should also have much more exciting orgasms.

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Matt tightens up: Hi James, I'm nervous about being fucked. I've tried with people but my ass just won't let anyone's cock in, and so I don't know what to do! I really do want to get fucked, and soon!

James answers: Hi Matt, you know at the end of the day we are to a certain extent all versatile but due to various factors many of us end up choosing to be being mostly a top or mostly a bottom.

I gather that you are pretty much a top as you have tried to be fucked but they just couldn't get it in. This is all to do with being relaxed. Inside the ass there are simply loads of muscles and normally they are in a relaxed state. However when you try to put something inside you they can tense up and this makes it very tight. In order to be fucked (and enjoy it!) you really do need to relax those muscles and to do this your whole body has to be relaxed as well.

If you are nervous about being fucked then you will probably be too tight. Also if you don't really want to be fucked then you will also be tight. A lot of guys who claim to be exclusively top meet the right guy sometimes and there is such an amazing chemistry between them that suddenly someone who has topped all his life wants to feel the other guy inside him. It is often at this point when they really want to be fucked that they relax enough for it to happen.

Some guys use alcohol or poppers to relax in order to be fucked so you could try that, but remember that it is really dangerous to mix poppers with viagra. Too much alcohol would also act against you too. Try and relax without using anything if you can as it's best to teach your body to do as your mind wants. The sex will be better if you are in control.

You could also get your partner to play around a lot with your ass before to get you ready. A guy who is good at rimming and fingering will be able to relax your ass so that you really begin to enjoy it. Using a lot of lube is also very important and the silicon ones are very good as they don't dry out so quickly as water based ones. You could even try using a small dildo as well, even on your own, just to see how it feels.

One final thing is that when you actually try to be fucked you should be in a position that gives you total control. By being the one in control you will experience less anxiety and be able to relax a lot more. The best position for this is to sit on top of your partner, either facing him or with your back to him. That way you can control how fast and how deep he goes and if it hurts stop, take a rest and then try again! It takes time for the ass to adjust to having something inside so take it slowly and enjoy it!

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