This Week - Finding partners, 30 not out and Porn addicts

Johnny needs advice: Hi James, I really need your help on this one! I have known I've been gay since I was 14ish, and been out since September 2004 when I started Uni. But all my friends are either girls or straight guys and I just don't know any gay people at all! I've never had a relationship cos of course I don't know any gay people ... how can I make gay friends? I've never been to a gay club/bar cos I'm too nervous ... how should I go about going to gay club and how should I talk to guys?? Please help!

James says: Well there are many different ways of meeting new guys – best of all you can meet them out and about on the gay scene in bars and clubs, but of course it depends where you live. If you are in a large city such as London or Manchester this is pretty easy, as there is such a massive choice of gay venues. If you are in a small town then you may need to do some research to find out if there is a gay bar or club near you. It is not easy sometimes making new friends but going to a bar or club where people are socialising is a good bet!

If you want to find some gay venues in your area why not try looking them up in something like the Spartacus Guide. This will give you valuable information about the UK and also about places abroad, which you might like to visit on your holidays. Holidays are always good for meeting new people, as you are relaxed and more open to fresh ideas and experiences. You can get a copy of the Spartacus guide online in the books/guides section of sites like ShopGay. It’s a good introduction to the gay scene as it has a write up about every venue, and tells you exactly what to expect.

Another alternative would be to chat and meet people online through the various gay chat sites many of which are free and allow you to send unlimited messages to other guys. Quite a few sites such as www.OutUK.com allow you to post a profile of yourself online, so that others can see your details.

It is my experience that a nice write up - which you have taken a little effort over, and some good pictures which show off your best features really pays dividends. Write virtually nothing and use old fuzzy pictures, and there you will be in 6 month's time wondering why nobody has got in contact!

Meeting people online is becoming very common nowadays and is a great way of finding new friends. Bars and Clubs get the job done quicker but need a little more effort and confidence. Eitherway you won't be the first guy to have come out - and a little honesty about your feelings will often encourage others to be honest with you, and that's a great start in forming relationships that have some purpose and have some chance of working long term.

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Invisible appears to need help: Hi James. My story is a little weird. I had never been sure whether I was gay, but now that I am 30 I decided to come out. And yes, I kept virgin until this age! But now everything seems too late to be a beginner. I am afraid I will not have enough sex experience as "normal" gay people around my age, and that ashames me a lot, especially if you consider I am not a cute guy. This has seriously limited my social life, and I really don't know where to find nice people. Besides I have only been in a 3-month relationship with a guy, which made me feel somehow attractive until I found out he was with me only because of economical interest. I feel I will never have sex again unless I pay for it, but more than sex I need someone to care for me and whom I can also care for and love. I feel myself trapped, I am sad most of the time and unfortunately that has begun to affect my professional life too. I would like to try to learn how to live alone the rest of my life, but solitude scares the hell out of me. I know only I can solve this problem myself, but could you give me some advice? Thank you!

James replies: Hi, it is not uncommon for guys to come out later in life in fact a lot of guys do this and it is by no means too late when you are 30! As for not "being a cute guy" that's actually NOT your call ... everybody has different tastes, and I am sure there are loads of guys out there who would love to spend time with you, if you invest the time and make the effort to positively attract them.

Sexuality all depends on each person's individual situation. Some guys feel they are ready to come out early on whilst others wait until a later stage in their life. A few guys never come out at all and spend most of their lives in the closet. There’s certainly no definition of what a 'normal' gay guy is like and as for experience well this once again depends on the individual. It is nothing to be ashamed of that you are 30 and haven't had much experience with men, it just shows that you are someone who is careful with their decisions. A lot of people would find this attractive.

What would be great is if you find people who are in a similar position to you so that you can talk more easily about things. You may find it easier to meet guys like this online, on chat sites or through looking at the personal ads in magazines such as Gay Times or Time Out (if you are in London). You can search for people who are of similar age to you and who have maybe just come out and are looking for friends or a new relationship.

You could even try and join a group of gay guys with similar interests, such as a gay chorus if you're musical, or maybe a gay sports club. That way you'll meet new people naturally, without looking like you're searching for a boyfriend.

The most important element to finding a new boyfriend is being positive about it. If you look upbeat and are happy in yourself you will be much more attractive to others. The guy in the bar who’s smiling, amongst a group who are looking downbeat and depressed will be the one who attracts the good looking boy. You have to make the effort, and if you do you’ll find that wonderful things can happen.

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Bri says Hi: I'm now 53 years old and over the last few years I have become an internet sex addict and spend far too much time looking at gay porn and downloading clips. It really is taking over my life in a very bad way. It's what I resort to if I feel depressed or if anything goes wrong in my life. If I check my e-mails and there's nothing of interest, hey, I'm logged on, might as well have a quick peek at men shagging, and an hour or more passes. I used to use my free time much more constructively (once I even called myself a writer - unfortunately, there's now no time for that! i.e. I lack the creativity now). Any suggestions? I'd be really grateful for anything which would help me drastically reduce this obsession, or even cut it out of my life altogether. It's taking over! Thanks.

James answers: Hi there, well I think we are all guilty of looking at too much porn whether online or on dvd at some time or other, or indeed all the time!

I don't actually think that the act of looking at porn can be deemed bad unless it starts to interfere with everything else in your life. Porn and sex should always be fun and something to be enjoyed. It should have a positive effect on your life and your relationships, it is not a substitute for them. If you find you're giving up other activities like meeting friends, doing exercise etc because you want to be at your computer, then you might need to rein in your problem.

You say that you turn to porn when you are depressed and that is good, if it makes you feel better. However, if it means that you are not able to do other things that you used to enjoy because you are watching too much porn that is obviously not such a good solution! Also there is a danger that you could find yourself in a cycle in which you feel depressed, so you look at porn. That makes you feel depressed afterwards because you feel guilty, so you look at more porn.

All things considered, I am not sure that cutting it out completely is really going to work or an effective answer to be honest.

Why don't you accept the fact that you are watching too much porn at the moment, but you need to set some limits on how much time you devote to it. If you are watching it daily then set a strict limit on the amount of time you will watch it. When you are at your limit turn off the pc and then go and do something else such as starting to write again, or go for a walk, or go to the gym.

You could even consider splitting the time you spend watching porn in half, and spending the remaining time writing something, even if only for fun, or doing something else creative that you enjoy. Surely then the fact that you have shown yourself that you can still enjoy porn but also have regained some of the things that you used to enjoy, will have a positive effect on you, and will encourage you to stick to this new regime! Good luck and let me know how you get on.

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