This Week - Bullies, Straight fantasies and Late bottoming

eBoogaloo asks: Hello James, I've been having problems with a group of people at school. I'm gay but not out completely, and I recently was confronted with abuse from someone I dislike in school. I don't know how he managed to find out, but it resulted in me storming out. I've talked to my Deputy Head of Year at school, and he is supposedly doing something about it. I'm frightened that somehow my parents will find out about my sexuality, they believe that homosexuality is wrong. I've tried to talk to them about it, but its resulted in nothing good. Is there anything I can do to stop these comments being said to me, or at least to stop his group from carrying on?

James says: Yes, you are right to tell your Deputy Head of Year as this is something that needs to be dealt with by the school authorities. This is also something you will have to deal with too as people find out you are gay.

You say that you are not out completely but even if you have come out to some people there is still a chance that they will have told others. At the moment you are scared of what might happen if your parents find out. If other people in your town know you are gay then of course there is every chance that your parents will find out as well. It would be worth thinking about what you might say to them if they do get to know so that you are prepared, or seriously consider telling them.

It is difficult to stop others making comments about you at school as that is part and parcel of school life unfortuantely, and don't just believe that it only happens at school! There are so many people who have to suffer comments made about them at work, so it would seem that this is part of human nature and just the way some people choose to treat others.

I know it is hard but try not to let the comments bother you. Most of the time people make nasty comments to others as they are not confident or happy about themselves in some way, and by making fun of others they try to make themselves seem more in control and stronger than they really are.

You may well find that showing that you don't actually care what's said will make them realise that it is a waste of time and they will soon move onto someone else. If you react to what they are saying then this could make the situation worse as they will realise that it does bother you, and that is exactly what they want, and so they will only continue more! Be strong and you'll win out. Good luck!

---

Jon wants to know: Hi, I have never had sex with a woman. I am only sexually attracted to men though I can certainly admire a woman's beauty. Sometimes when I jack off I watch straight porn and fantasize about going down on a woman and fucking her. Is this a common fantasy among gay men?

James replies: Hi Jon, sex and sexuality is a bit of a minefield and there is no way of saying what is right or wrong, or what is normal or common, or what is abnormal or not so common.

We are all individuals at the end of the day and what turns us on sexually can only really be discovered by ourselves. To do this you really need to distance yourself from what society tells you is right or wrong and find out from within you what turns you on and what you really enjoy in sex.

You say you are only sexually attracted to men which would indicate you are gay but that sometimes you do have fantasies about being with a woman as well. This is not so strange and as to whether it is something you would actually physically do or just something that you keep in your mind as a fantasy will depend on you.

It is normal for us to be attracted to certain things in life and not others. It's also true that our tastes change as we grow older so don't be too worried about being gay but having the odd fantasy about a woman! Enjoy your fantasies and whether they turn out to come true is up to you! If they do, then enjoy that too! Relax, be happy and be honest with your feelings.

---

Chris asks: Hi James. I am shy to write this but here goes! I am 37 and have had an active sex life forever but have never ever bottomed. My new boyfriend is 20 and we are madly in love to put it mildly. However he is exclusively top and is dying to fuck me and I am longing for him to do it - to my surprise. We are both big guys and in fact he is like a genuine 9 inches and thick with it which makes me real nervous. I need him inside and think I can maybe handle it as I feel sure he will take it slow and right - so what's the problem? I am stupidly but totally worried I am going to make him dirty and have no idea how to go about making myself 100% clean for him. Is this stupid? Please help!

James answers: Hi Chris, I think a lot of people go through periods of their lives when they are classified sexually in the gay scene as being either top or bottom. There are various reasons why people see themselves as being active or passive although often it can depend a lot on ability to achieve an erection, size of penis, confidence, and other various psychosomatic factors.

You say that you have spent most of your life as a top and as such haven't had any experience of being bottom and now you want to be a bottom with your partner. A lot of guys realise that in common with everyone else we are all pretty much versatile at the end of the day.

You have found a partner who you really click with and now you feel confident and relaxed enough to be bottom with him and you want to feel him inside you. This is totally normal and happens to a lot of guys. Many guys experience this or the same in reverse where they are always bottom but meet someone who turns them on so much that they become top with them.

In order to be bottom with your boyfriend you need to try and be clean for him but also to warn him that you are not used to being bottom, so that he takes his time and is gentle with you at first.

Before being bottom play with your ass yourself and finger yourself sometimes to get used to having something inside you. You could even try a small dildo. Also learn how to clean yourself. You can do this simply in the shower using your hand or finger. To be really clean inside you need to douche, one of the cheapeat and best of them you can buy from the OutUK store ShopGay. You can check the recent Ask James archives for more details on exactly how to use a douche. Also try and avoid spicy food, or any food that could upset your stomach, as that is not good for when having anal sex.

As you say your boyfriend has a really big cock you should also make sure that while having sex you use loads and loads of lube as that will help a lot. Silicon based lubes tend to be better as they last longer. You could also try sitting on him first as that is the best position to put YOU in control so you can control how quick and how deep you go. If it hurts stop and relax and then continue. Do not be in a rush especially if it's your first time. Have fun and enjoy a whole new world of pleasure! ;)

---