This Week - Financial Commitment, Dumped and Old bfs

Andy says: I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months now and everything is going well. We share a rented flat, but now he wants us to buy somewhere together, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that kind of financial commitment. I've only been in my first job after uni for a year, and I thought I could afford a small mortgage, but it would mean that our social life would be cut down. It's causing a problem between us as he thinks I don't want to stay with him. What should I do?

James says: Well the best thing to do in this situation is explain to him that for you it is all to much at the moment and you don't want that kind of financial commitment in your life.

Explain to him how it would mean that your social life would have to be cut down and you are not so keen on that idea. It does take time for people to want to settle down and take on more commitment, in fact some people never settle down, so give yourself some time since you have only been out of uni for a year now.

Is he the same age as you? If he is then surely he will understand your point of view if you sit down and talk with him? And when you do talk try and do it in a constructive way so that you both understand each other's point of view. This is not easy but by talking through the issues together you can easily come to an agreement.

Do not, whatever you do, agree to something like this if you really don't want it. You'll start resenting each other, fall out, lose a load of money and end up poor and probably unhappy. At the right time, it would be a great thing to do together, at the wrong time a disaster.

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Rick writes: James, Do you think it's right to be dumped by text message. It's just happened to me. What's the best way to bring a relationship to an end?

James replies: Hi Rick, no it isn't right to be dumped by sms. Our methods of communication have altered radically in the past 10 years and now we are increasingly using sms, email, online messaging, and the like as means of communication.

The main advantage of all this technology is that we are much more accessible than we have ever been and we also have much more varied means of communicating and often we can get in touch with people much faster as well. The main problem with these new ways of communicating is that some people do not understand the difference between them.

There are certain things that you just shouldn't communicate by sms or email, and breaking up with a boyfriend is one of them. There are a few reasons why people use sms. One is that it is often cheaper than calling, another is that it is quick and simple but in your case I think the reason he used a text message is that it is much less personal than a phone call and was the easiest way out. Simply, he was being a coward.

By far the best way to bring a relationship to an end is to talk through the reasons with your partner and speak openly and honestly to them so that they can try and see why you feel the way you do and why you have come to the decision that you have.

It is a much better idea though to try and follow your feelings and when you do meet someone who you really feel is your soul mate then make sure you stick with them. Be open and honest with each other and develop a strong bond of unity and trust between you both and you can then spend a long and happy time together without having to think about breaking up.

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Jason says: My boyf has got an old boyfriend coming to stay in a couple of weekends time. He says it's all over between them, but I know it's going to end up with them wanting a threeway. Should I just let them get on with it, cos this guy lives a long way from us, or just enjoy the threesome?

James answers: Hi Jason, well if you don't mind your boyfriend sleeping with his ex-boyfriend then that shouldn't prove a problem, although a lot of guys would find that hard to handle.

The big question here is would you want a threesome with them both? You say that you know that they will want a threesome with you which would suggest that you are all quite open minded sexually, so if you like the idea then why not enjoy it? If you don't want to join in then go and do what you want to do and don't worry too much about what they want. It is your life and you need to do the things you want that make you happy.

Of course if this is something your boyfriend would really like you to do then he has to explain this to you and talk to you about it. Communication is the key to a great relationship so make sure you discuss this one before it happens to make sure that you both have the same ideas!

Also in a relationship you have to take it in turns to help each other or make the other one happy and you also have to compromise so talk through this one and see what your boyfriend feels and explain how you feel so the two of you can find out where the balance lies.

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