| In case you haven’t noticed, astrology is not in the business of telling the complete truth, writes astrologer Charlene Lichtenstein. That’s why traits like “cheap”, “spiteful” and “ugly” become “thrifty”, “intense” and “good personality”. Why pay good hard earned money to be insulted and called an asshole (unless that’s your kind of a thing and hey, I have no problem with that). Astrologer Charlene Lichtenstein brings you the real truth about that megahunk at the end of the bar and suggests you first find out his star sign and consult the following before you send over that bottle of champagne. | |
| CAPRICORN December 22-January 20 Capricorns would sell their souls if they thought they could make a profit. They are mean spirited, pessimistic folks who couldn’t have a good time even if they were paid for it (well... maybe if they were paid for it...) Caps succeed in bloody corporate politics because they think nothing of stabbing a friend in the back to get ahead. Most Capricorns are lonely souls, with good reason. Mitigating factors: Light up a room when they leave. Those born under the sign of Capricorn include: Mao Ze Dong, Richard Nixon, Howard Stern. |
| AQUARIUS January 21-February 18 Astrology books say that Aquarians are humanitarians who strive for the common good. That just means that they stink in one to one relationships. Aquarians are cold and calculating opportunists who set themselves up as standard bearers of the downtrodden for their own self glorification. Aquarians are always butting their noses in other people’s business; not out of concern but out of ego. Mitigating factors: Somebody has to join the Conservative party.... Those born under the sign of Aquarius include: Eva Braun, Rasputin. |
| PISCES February 19-March 20 Pisces are sneaky and underhanded and tend to be vainly self absorbed. They think nothing of sponging off friends, guzzling the milk of human kindness and see you later when another dairy looms large. Astrology books say that Pisces are prone to depression; no wonder considering how they treat others. Mitigating factors: Makes a good partner for bridge because they cheat. Those born under the sign of Pisces include: James Earl Ray, Jerry Lewis, Adolph Eichmann. |
| For Entertainment Purposes Only. Madam Lichtenstein, a Sagittarian, doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but can’t help it. © Charlene Lichtenstein, All Rights Reserved | |